Feliz cumpleaños

Zilla, happy birthday, La.

This is the second birthday that you have had to miss.

It would have been great if you were around to celebrate your birthday and I would be cracking my brain as to what cake I should bake you and how I should decorate it and what I should get you with the little money I have.

But it's all right...

I think I'm more at peace with it now. With the fact that you are not here anymore. I'm not saying that I am totally at peace and at ease with it but I'm getting more used to it.

So, since it's your birthday and you're not here to make a wish, I will make one on your behalf.

May Allah bless your soul for eternity and keep you close by His side, and may your kids live a wonderful life filled with love, knowledge, happiness and Allah's blessings.

Amin.

Beautiful dreams

I wonder, all those times when you were wrapped in pain, when you did manage to catch a wink or two, did you get beautiful dreams that gave you a minute of comfort? Or was pain such a menace that it hounded you even when you were asleep, keen to hurt you even in your dreams?

I remembered watching you sleep when I was by your side. I remembered praying in my heart that He will grant you a better rest each time you close your eyes and keep the ghosts of pain and illness away.

I hope you were buoyed by dreams so light and beautiful. Now, I hope you are blanketed with the warmth of God's tender love and our prayers, right in the heart of His soil. Beautiful dreams, sis, and rest well.

Retrospective

La, Adik jumpa this old video of us fixing the wheel in the cage of the hamster that Ikhwan brought home. It was a very short video of barely a minute long. Its quality is quite bad and in the video, I could only see your hands, your fingers, the rings on your last two fingers. I wish I had taken a shot of your face when you were talking. Nevertheless the most important thing is the video captured your voice and your laughter. I cried when I heard your voice.

It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while since I last heard your voice, what more your laughter.

Adik rindu Zilla. Rindu sangat-sangat.

La, I dreamt of you yesterday. It was a sad dream because I dreamt that Irfan has been called upon to return to Him too. It was a big blow to all of us because we lost Irfan soon after losing you. And my heart cried for Ikhwan. He lost his only sibling after losing his mother. Thankfully it was just a bad dream. Kesian anak-anak kau, La. They only have each other. Their father only plays an "ad hoc" role in their lives. I doubt they see him once a month.

La, my birthday went by very quietly without any celebration. It was a very sad day. My birthday will always be a sad reminder of the day you got sick again.

I remembered in the early hours of my 25th birthday, you got so ill so suddenly and Mak, Abah and I were scrambling to get to your place as soon as we could. In those hours when everyone else was sound asleep. When we got there, Abah had to carry you off the bed. We took you back to our house and as it turned out, that was the last time you ever saw your house again.

My birthday marked the deterioration of your health. The downspiral of your life. The beginning of the end of your life. How could a humane person possibly have a happy birthday ever since then?

I'm not sad that I will never have a happy birthday again. I'm only sad because each year on my birthday I will be reminded of the day when I start losing the only sister I have. The one whom I love so dearly.

Allah taught me the greatness of love by giving me one mum, one dad, one sister and one brother. And He gave you two sons who are a legacy to your life. He gave us living reminders of you. How wise and how thoughtful He is. And He really does know it better than we will ever know.

I love you, La.

May He permit

Just how much can one miss another?
Is there ever a limit?

Just how much can one love another?
Can love surpass destiny?

Can love transcend boundaries?
Can love disregards absence?

I know faith in Allah will strengthen a fallen one.
I know belief in Allah will heal a broken one.

And I know my trust in Allah will bring me to a departed one.

One day.
We will meet again.
May Allah permit...

Of nights and thunderstorms

La, at night times like this, when the rain falls and a thunderstorm strikes, I can't help but think of you.

I can't help but wonder if the rain seeps through the soil, reaches you and cools you... I can't help but wonder if you are wet... I wonder if you welcome the coolness of the rain water drenching your body...

La, I wonder how you are. I wonder of your state there in the soil. Has nature been kind to you? Has it slowly begun its breaking down process? Are you still you?

So many thoughts go through my mind.

Yet all lead to just one thought - I hope God has kept you well and that you are resting in peace...

I love you, La.

Words can't describe how much I miss you. Right up to this day...

A year older no longer

La, it was your birthday, La.

8 April.

It was 080408 this year. A nice number pattern, don't you think, La?

But this date has no meaning to you anymore...

La, do you know that the birth of you had an impact on many people's lives?

Without you born, Abah & Mak wouldn't have had their firstborn - a gift from God that is most anticipated by all married couples wishing to start a family.

Without you born, Atuk & Nenek wouldn't have had their first female grandchild.

Without you born, I wouldn't have had a sister.

Without you born, there would have been no Irfan and Ikhwan - the sunshine of our lives.

Without you born, hundreds of people wouldn't be doing whatever they are doing now where ever they are because their encounter, interactions and/or friendship with you formed a part of their lives and no matter how minor that part is, it has altered their lives in one way or another.

As it turns out, every birth has an impact on the whole universe, and so did yours.



La, 'til today, the accessories that I gave you on your birthday last year still remain unused. You liked them a lot because they were in black and gold. You'd wanted to wear them for Raya, maybe not the danglies. But you never had the chance to wear them.

I shall keep them in pristine condition, La. So that every year, on the day that I used to celebrate with you, I can look back in retrospect upon the last birthday gift that I had ever given my one and only sister.

I love you, La. I miss you.

Do accept my gift to you - a prayer filled with love and smeared with tears...

Irfan had a high fever

La, Irfan sakit for a few days. Whenever he gets a fever, everyone gets worried. It was so pitiful... He couldn't sleep well for a few nights and his temperature kept fluctuating. I wondered if he was missing you badly when he was sick.

I kept checking on him at night because I was worried about him. I pasted the cool patch on him although it kept peeling off, I wiped his whole body gently with damp cloth, hoping to be able to bring the temperature down and make him more comfortable, and I stroked his hair with water, occasionally stroking his scalp, like how you used to do when you lulled him to sleep when he was an infant. I tried to emulate the things that you used to do to comfort him.

La, I quietly whispered to you when I was by his side. Could you hear me? I asked if you would be able to visit him because he was sick. I don't know if you could... I knew God heard me but... I don't know if you were able to.

Whatever it is, I know that as his mum, you would want him to be well. You would want him to have a good, undisturbed night's sleep. You would want to do whatever you can to get him well. And I know God knows that too. I'm sure He heard your prayers from wherever you are.

Irfan is well now. I hope you are at ease to know that.

You just rest there in peace, ok, La? We'll take care of your kids for you.

It must have been you

La, did you come to me the night when I was not feeling well?

Did you come to me that fateful night when I cried before I slept?

Did you come because I told you how much I missed you?

Was it you who stroked my hair and made me feel at ease?

It should have been you.

No one else could have been in my room that night.

My door was locked.