La, it has been 30 days since you passed on, La.
God has been kind and time has been filled with lots of school work to occupy me and keep my mind busy. Even so, my heart is still missing you.
La, I dreamt of you again yesterday.
It was your funeral.
You had been carried to the vehicle that was to bring you to the cemetery. In the dream, when I approached you after you were placed in the vehicle, you were not in a coffin and you were not covered in the white shroud. It didn't strike me as strange in the dream. It seemed normal.
I stood outside the vehicle, peering at you through the window and said my salaam to you. Upon hearing my salaam, you opened your eyes. It did not occur to me in the dream that you should not be able to open your eyes. In fact, you spoke to me. Following that, I went in and sat beside you.
We spoke. Once while we were talking, I held your head up so that I could adjust the pillow under your head so that you'd be more comfortable. You also asked me to paste medicated plasters on your back because you were having backache. It was just like those times when I would sit by your bedside and help you adjust your body position, help you with your medication or clean you up, feed you or to simply have our daily conversations. I placed those medicated plasters on your back and we continued talking.
In the dream, you were not as thin as you were before you passed on. You were just nice, not too thin, not too fleshy. Just like you were in my previous dreams of you.
I knew you were no longer alive because we spoke and discuss about death and what comes after it. You said: "Aku takut lah, Na." (In Eng: "I'm scared, Na.") And I told you I'm scared to. You said that was because I have yet to go through the test. I know you meant that I have not experienced death yet, and thus that explains why I was afraid. And I also know that you didn't mean that you are scared of death or what comes after it when you said were afraid, rather, you were worried for us, the living. The ones whom you have left behind. The ones who are vulnerable to the evildoings of those who are misled and those who forgot that they are not as powerful as they think they are and that they are afterall God's creation.
Dear Allah, we seek protection and help from You, for You are the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful and the Most Knowledgeable. No one is as powerful or is more powerful than You, Dear Almighty. For You are the One that created us and the whole universe.
Dear Allah, I pray may You place my sis in peace and in Your Heavens, along with the holy men and women. I pray may You forgive all her sins as well the sins of the people who have left before us. I pray may there be light that shines on her as she rests in Your soil. I pray may You bless her soul and ease her worries, if she is worried about us, for we place our lives in Your hands and our faith in You.
Monday, September 24, 2007
They keep on falling...
Backlog
Dated: 1 Sep 07
Time: 2.48AM
La, it has been 7 days since you passed on and there hasn't been a day that I haven't shed a tear.
I know you wouldn't like to see me sad all the time but it is so hard to not think of you and miss you.
You played such a major role in my life, in shaping the person that I am today. I am who I am because of Mak, Abah, you, Adam and other beloved ones, as well as the different experiences that life has presented to me. You were part of it all, so how can I possibly let go of you in just a matter of days?
I know I have to look forward and into the future but it is so hard to do without you in it.
I was with Shafiq earlier and I purposely tried to keep my mind off you, especially as the time approached 12.15am. Unfortunately, we had difficulty getting a cab to get home before midnight because it was the "bewitching hour" where suddenly there would be no vacant cabs even though many were still on the road, pretending to be busy. So there he was trying to flag a cab while I sat at the steps of the overhead bridge, trying not to look at my watch. However, even if I didn't want to look at it, I know what time it was. One week ago, at that same time, we were all by your side and you were barely with us anymore. One week ago, at 12.15am, you were no longer with us.
I cried openly in the cab. I didn't care if the cab driver was listening to my conversation with Shafiq or if he even understood what we were talking about. Shafiq said to me that I would have to take things slowly and to be patient as time will slowly help me cope with it. Just as time had helped him accept his sister's passing. But La, one week had gone by and yet that one week did not ease this pain and could not take my mind off you.
La, I wonder how life would be from now on. I wonder if you will still be by my side whenever I need you. I wonder if you can really hear me & listen to all the things that I have said to you the past few nights and the things that I want to tell you. I wonder if you can see me type all these & read all the things that I have typed here for you. I wonder about a lot of things, La.
And as these thoughts run through my mind, as I reminisce our times together, as I recall your smile and your laughter, these tears run down my cheeks. These tears fall and they keep on falling...
Dated: 1 Sep 07
Time: 2.48AM
La, it has been 7 days since you passed on and there hasn't been a day that I haven't shed a tear.
I know you wouldn't like to see me sad all the time but it is so hard to not think of you and miss you.
You played such a major role in my life, in shaping the person that I am today. I am who I am because of Mak, Abah, you, Adam and other beloved ones, as well as the different experiences that life has presented to me. You were part of it all, so how can I possibly let go of you in just a matter of days?
I know I have to look forward and into the future but it is so hard to do without you in it.
I was with Shafiq earlier and I purposely tried to keep my mind off you, especially as the time approached 12.15am. Unfortunately, we had difficulty getting a cab to get home before midnight because it was the "bewitching hour" where suddenly there would be no vacant cabs even though many were still on the road, pretending to be busy. So there he was trying to flag a cab while I sat at the steps of the overhead bridge, trying not to look at my watch. However, even if I didn't want to look at it, I know what time it was. One week ago, at that same time, we were all by your side and you were barely with us anymore. One week ago, at 12.15am, you were no longer with us.
I cried openly in the cab. I didn't care if the cab driver was listening to my conversation with Shafiq or if he even understood what we were talking about. Shafiq said to me that I would have to take things slowly and to be patient as time will slowly help me cope with it. Just as time had helped him accept his sister's passing. But La, one week had gone by and yet that one week did not ease this pain and could not take my mind off you.
La, I wonder how life would be from now on. I wonder if you will still be by my side whenever I need you. I wonder if you can really hear me & listen to all the things that I have said to you the past few nights and the things that I want to tell you. I wonder if you can see me type all these & read all the things that I have typed here for you. I wonder about a lot of things, La.
And as these thoughts run through my mind, as I reminisce our times together, as I recall your smile and your laughter, these tears run down my cheeks. These tears fall and they keep on falling...
Your clothes and mine
Backlog
Dated: 31 Aug 07
Time: 4:28PM
La, yesterday Mak asked me to unpack your clothes that she has brought back from your house and keep them in the wardrobe.
As I did so, La, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of sadness a couple of times. I was repeatedly reminded of you as I fold away your clothes. I remembered you wore this piece on this day, that piece on that day, you bought this piece when I was out shopping with you, I bought you that top and so on.
Now, there would be no you to wear those clothes.
I don't know if you noticed, La, if you are able to see me, that is. That I have taken to wearing your clothes. It's just a physical way of me trying to make myself feel better about everything. To make me feel you more. Sort of.
Is it crazy, La? To be doing this? To be wearing your clothes, whichever that I can fit in? Don't be sniggering at me if you think it's silly, ok La? Just let me be. Anyway, it's not unusual for me to wear your clothes and you wear mine. The only difference now is that you will no longer be wearing mine.
Dated: 31 Aug 07
Time: 4:28PM
La, yesterday Mak asked me to unpack your clothes that she has brought back from your house and keep them in the wardrobe.
As I did so, La, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of sadness a couple of times. I was repeatedly reminded of you as I fold away your clothes. I remembered you wore this piece on this day, that piece on that day, you bought this piece when I was out shopping with you, I bought you that top and so on.
Now, there would be no you to wear those clothes.
I don't know if you noticed, La, if you are able to see me, that is. That I have taken to wearing your clothes. It's just a physical way of me trying to make myself feel better about everything. To make me feel you more. Sort of.
Is it crazy, La? To be doing this? To be wearing your clothes, whichever that I can fit in? Don't be sniggering at me if you think it's silly, ok La? Just let me be. Anyway, it's not unusual for me to wear your clothes and you wear mine. The only difference now is that you will no longer be wearing mine.
Was it really you?
Backlog
Dated: 30 Aug 2007
Time: 5:47PM
La, yesterday when I finally wanted to sleep, in a proper state, in a proper position, I couldn't.
I wanted to talk to you so badly that I decided to just say it all out, hoping that you are there beside me, listening to everything that I wanted to say to you. Nevermind if I could not see you. I just wanted to talk to you. I could not contain the sadness in me. I had to speak to you and so I did.
I spoke to you about everything. It wasn't hard to as everything was ready to burst out from within me. I told you how sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream, that you are still here with me, with Mak, Abah and your kids. I told you how sad I was to be told by Mak & Abah yesterday that we will have to vacate your house by this weekend and that they were over at your place, packing your stuff and whatever they could. I told you how I wish it was possible for me & you to be back in the house, to watch whatever that's shown on the Indonesian channels in the middle of the night together, and then retreat to sleep in the same room. I cried so much. I cried so much that it wore me out such that I cried myself to sleep.
In my sleep, I had a dream that I was in our old house but I was in the living room, sharing some good laughs with Shafiq. After that (still in the dream), I decided to go into Adam's old room. I was walking past the room that we used to share and then I see you coming out of the room, just about to shut the door behind you. Even in the dream, I was surprised to see you. I said: "La!" You turned and you smiled as soon as you saw me. It was such a sweet smile. :)
In the dream, you weren't skinny; you were just right. Just like how you were previously before you got ill. And you had shoulder-length hair. Just like it was before you got ill. You had it tied and your ponytail was on your right shoulder as you turned to face me. You were wearing a baju kurung.
I asked you to come along into Adam's old room with me and you did. Instead of Adam's bed, there was our old bed, the one with the big spring mattress that we used to love to jump on all the time, in the middle of the room. We both lied down and I said to you: "Adik tau La nak bantal merah ni kan? Adik taknak bagi..." (In English: "I know you want this red pillow. I don't want to give it to you...") In jest, I then proceeded to hug that red pillow and throw you a green pillow instead. But a split second later, I gave you the red pillow and you took it, smiling, and you hugged it so tight. We went on to have a mini pillow fight - more of jostling the pillows at each other - and I had fun. You were smiling broadly throughout but you never uttered a word. Somehow after that, it hit me. In the dream, I asked myself: "Is this real?" Immediately after that, I woke up.
I lost you. I couldn't get back in to the dream. I couldn't play with you again.
La, was it you? Did you come into my dream because I keep wanting to see you again? Did you let me see you because I was too saddened yesterday because I didn't get to visit you as planned and I didn't want to give your house up?
I really hope it was you. Perhaps you felt so sorry for me so you visited me by appearing in my dream.
Oh, I really wish it was you, La.
Whatever it is, I'm grateful to You, dear Allah, for letting me see my sister (or an image of her) in my dream. It did help to ease the longing albeit just mildly. But I'm thankful, nevertheless.
Thank You, God. Thank you, Zilla.
Dated: 30 Aug 2007
Time: 5:47PM
La, yesterday when I finally wanted to sleep, in a proper state, in a proper position, I couldn't.
I wanted to talk to you so badly that I decided to just say it all out, hoping that you are there beside me, listening to everything that I wanted to say to you. Nevermind if I could not see you. I just wanted to talk to you. I could not contain the sadness in me. I had to speak to you and so I did.
I spoke to you about everything. It wasn't hard to as everything was ready to burst out from within me. I told you how sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream, that you are still here with me, with Mak, Abah and your kids. I told you how sad I was to be told by Mak & Abah yesterday that we will have to vacate your house by this weekend and that they were over at your place, packing your stuff and whatever they could. I told you how I wish it was possible for me & you to be back in the house, to watch whatever that's shown on the Indonesian channels in the middle of the night together, and then retreat to sleep in the same room. I cried so much. I cried so much that it wore me out such that I cried myself to sleep.
In my sleep, I had a dream that I was in our old house but I was in the living room, sharing some good laughs with Shafiq. After that (still in the dream), I decided to go into Adam's old room. I was walking past the room that we used to share and then I see you coming out of the room, just about to shut the door behind you. Even in the dream, I was surprised to see you. I said: "La!" You turned and you smiled as soon as you saw me. It was such a sweet smile. :)
In the dream, you weren't skinny; you were just right. Just like how you were previously before you got ill. And you had shoulder-length hair. Just like it was before you got ill. You had it tied and your ponytail was on your right shoulder as you turned to face me. You were wearing a baju kurung.
I asked you to come along into Adam's old room with me and you did. Instead of Adam's bed, there was our old bed, the one with the big spring mattress that we used to love to jump on all the time, in the middle of the room. We both lied down and I said to you: "Adik tau La nak bantal merah ni kan? Adik taknak bagi..." (In English: "I know you want this red pillow. I don't want to give it to you...") In jest, I then proceeded to hug that red pillow and throw you a green pillow instead. But a split second later, I gave you the red pillow and you took it, smiling, and you hugged it so tight. We went on to have a mini pillow fight - more of jostling the pillows at each other - and I had fun. You were smiling broadly throughout but you never uttered a word. Somehow after that, it hit me. In the dream, I asked myself: "Is this real?" Immediately after that, I woke up.
I lost you. I couldn't get back in to the dream. I couldn't play with you again.
La, was it you? Did you come into my dream because I keep wanting to see you again? Did you let me see you because I was too saddened yesterday because I didn't get to visit you as planned and I didn't want to give your house up?
I really hope it was you. Perhaps you felt so sorry for me so you visited me by appearing in my dream.
Oh, I really wish it was you, La.
Whatever it is, I'm grateful to You, dear Allah, for letting me see my sister (or an image of her) in my dream. It did help to ease the longing albeit just mildly. But I'm thankful, nevertheless.
Thank You, God. Thank you, Zilla.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
A day of utter disappointment
Backlog
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 10:38pm
La, earlier today, I wanted very much to visit you at your resting place. I had searched online how to get there by public transport. The (unreliable) website stated that I can take a certain bus from Boon Lay Interchange & the bus stop is located not very far from where you are.
I was really looking forward to visit you since I can easily commute to Boon Lay Interchange from school. When I was making my way to the bus queue, somehow I had the strong urge to check the bus directory board to count the number of bus stops that I would have to pass in order to get to you. And then, I saw it: a short disclaimer at the bottom that says that the bus operates only on special occasions like Hari Raya & so on. I re-read it over & over again, sometimes slowly, to fully understand the meaning of it in case I got it wrong. But no, it said what it said. Which wasn't said on the website. La, my heart just sank when it struck me that I couldn't visit you when I really wanted to.
La, it was really hard to contain my disappointment. Could you feel my disappointment from wherever you are? Sorry, La. I don't know how this afterlife thing works but it's just a thought.
Anyway, it distracted me the whole time I was out, even in the company of friends. I thought of returning to your place yet again today, especially since I was somewhere that's about 20mins' walk from your house, but I reminded myself that I had already planned to sleep over tomorrow, so today, it was unnecessary to. So I went back home, only to be informed of something that could only make me even sadder.
I'll continue later or tomorrow, ok La? I've cried quite a bit and I'm tired. Sampai dah tertidur-tidur type entry ni. :) Surely, if you're near me now, you'd have seen me falling asleep as I type. I can imagine you looking at me & smile in amusement at the sight of your sister half-awake, half-asleep, intent on telling you her sad story for the day & her fingers kept busy typing away, occasionally wiping away her tears & her runny snort. :D
Ok lah, La. Nanti Adik ceritakan La lagi k? Adik tidur dulu tau.
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 10:38pm
La, earlier today, I wanted very much to visit you at your resting place. I had searched online how to get there by public transport. The (unreliable) website stated that I can take a certain bus from Boon Lay Interchange & the bus stop is located not very far from where you are.
I was really looking forward to visit you since I can easily commute to Boon Lay Interchange from school. When I was making my way to the bus queue, somehow I had the strong urge to check the bus directory board to count the number of bus stops that I would have to pass in order to get to you. And then, I saw it: a short disclaimer at the bottom that says that the bus operates only on special occasions like Hari Raya & so on. I re-read it over & over again, sometimes slowly, to fully understand the meaning of it in case I got it wrong. But no, it said what it said. Which wasn't said on the website. La, my heart just sank when it struck me that I couldn't visit you when I really wanted to.
La, it was really hard to contain my disappointment. Could you feel my disappointment from wherever you are? Sorry, La. I don't know how this afterlife thing works but it's just a thought.
Anyway, it distracted me the whole time I was out, even in the company of friends. I thought of returning to your place yet again today, especially since I was somewhere that's about 20mins' walk from your house, but I reminded myself that I had already planned to sleep over tomorrow, so today, it was unnecessary to. So I went back home, only to be informed of something that could only make me even sadder.
I'll continue later or tomorrow, ok La? I've cried quite a bit and I'm tired. Sampai dah tertidur-tidur type entry ni. :) Surely, if you're near me now, you'd have seen me falling asleep as I type. I can imagine you looking at me & smile in amusement at the sight of your sister half-awake, half-asleep, intent on telling you her sad story for the day & her fingers kept busy typing away, occasionally wiping away her tears & her runny snort. :D
Ok lah, La. Nanti Adik ceritakan La lagi k? Adik tidur dulu tau.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
He cried... and they did too, silently
Backlog
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 4:49am
La, I went to your house just now. I was missing the house and I was missing you so much that I just had to go there.
While I was there, everything that I saw and touched reminded me of you and those times we spent in the house together. Our night sharing sessions, the ridiculous things that we did, talked and laughed about in the wee hours of the night.
While I was in your room, I was reminded of those times when I took so many photos of you, as you laid on that Strawberry Shortcake linen-covered bed of yours. You were so high on endorphins that after Mak called you on your mobile (I even took photos of you while you were answering her call), you pretended that the Strawberry Shortcake on your bed linen could talk and you put your mobile by its mouth, and you mimicked its voice. :D
Recalling such memories make me happy but they also served to remind me that I do not have the opportunity to create new memories of you and with you.
I didn't want to dwell on that too much while I was there. I switched on the hi-fi and played a CD of prayers to fill the house with good vibes. I made sure that Yaasin was recited a few times before I had to leave the house. I also stood in front of your cupboard and looked through your clothes. It was just a random thing I did to remind myself of you. Seeing, touching and feeling your clothes helped.
When I got home, everyone was asleep except Adam. I told him about my visit to your house & then he started talking to me, opening up to me.
He recalled the events that took place the day before you were fated to go, from the things that he did in the afternoon after work, how he felt that whole day, the SMS that Mak sent him that night, the thoughts that ran in his head while he was making his way home, how he could not bear to look at you & be so near you moments before you go because he would cry a river, to how his tears just flowed so uncontrollably when he was going to kiss you moments after you were gone.
We also shared some tears as we recalled the things you & I used to subject him to when he was small. Remember how we dressed him up as a girl to force him to play along with us although he was hesitant to? Remember our Cinderguitar? Of course, when we were so young, we didn't know that 'cinder' meant ashes and burnt whatever, and that we should have named him Guitarella instead. You know what he said, La? If you were here in my room, sitting with us & listening to our conversation, you would have heard him say that if he knew you would go so soon, he would have allowed us to doll him up & turn him into Cinderguitar everyday, even in our twenties, if it makes us happy. I laughed at the absurdity of the thought but I tear-ed as well at the suggestion of his words.
Such was the revelation and the things that I learnt about him yesterday. It was a rare moment as he confided in me his feelings and his thoughts. He said that he really missed you, La. He said that one night, as he was missing you, it occurred to him that if he was missing you that much such that he couldn't contain his tears, he asked himself how much worse I must be feeling because I was closer to you and that you were my companion as we were growing up.
His sensibility moved me. I was stunned by his words and his caring thoughts. I was rendered silent for a moment as I contemplated the statement.
I didn't say anything to that. It was hypothetical. It needed no confirmation or denial. What I know is that we all miss you, and there's no way to quantify or to define the magnitude of the loss that we are feeling. Although I could reciprocate by posing him the next hypothetical question - how much worse does he think Mak & Abah are feeling - but I didn't.
La, I'm sure you get a lot of prayers from Mak & Abah. I see them immersing themselves in prayers. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the sadness; by channelling it into something good. Especially Abah. He prays & recites the Surahs all the time. It is rare not to see him kneeling on his prayer mat, submitting himself to God, confiding his feelings in Him or with his palms upturned, praying to Him for His mercy, His help and comfort. Mak, whenever she's not praying, she'll busy herself with housework or the kids. You'll never see her idling.
Such are our parents, La. And such is our kid brother who has grown up and matured. :)
La, if you may, do visit them often, k? Or if you're still around, as people say, I'm sure you're praying along with them for His blessings and comfort. I'm sure. Because you have always been sensible like that.
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 4:49am
La, I went to your house just now. I was missing the house and I was missing you so much that I just had to go there.
While I was there, everything that I saw and touched reminded me of you and those times we spent in the house together. Our night sharing sessions, the ridiculous things that we did, talked and laughed about in the wee hours of the night.
While I was in your room, I was reminded of those times when I took so many photos of you, as you laid on that Strawberry Shortcake linen-covered bed of yours. You were so high on endorphins that after Mak called you on your mobile (I even took photos of you while you were answering her call), you pretended that the Strawberry Shortcake on your bed linen could talk and you put your mobile by its mouth, and you mimicked its voice. :D
Recalling such memories make me happy but they also served to remind me that I do not have the opportunity to create new memories of you and with you.
I didn't want to dwell on that too much while I was there. I switched on the hi-fi and played a CD of prayers to fill the house with good vibes. I made sure that Yaasin was recited a few times before I had to leave the house. I also stood in front of your cupboard and looked through your clothes. It was just a random thing I did to remind myself of you. Seeing, touching and feeling your clothes helped.
When I got home, everyone was asleep except Adam. I told him about my visit to your house & then he started talking to me, opening up to me.
He recalled the events that took place the day before you were fated to go, from the things that he did in the afternoon after work, how he felt that whole day, the SMS that Mak sent him that night, the thoughts that ran in his head while he was making his way home, how he could not bear to look at you & be so near you moments before you go because he would cry a river, to how his tears just flowed so uncontrollably when he was going to kiss you moments after you were gone.
We also shared some tears as we recalled the things you & I used to subject him to when he was small. Remember how we dressed him up as a girl to force him to play along with us although he was hesitant to? Remember our Cinderguitar? Of course, when we were so young, we didn't know that 'cinder' meant ashes and burnt whatever, and that we should have named him Guitarella instead. You know what he said, La? If you were here in my room, sitting with us & listening to our conversation, you would have heard him say that if he knew you would go so soon, he would have allowed us to doll him up & turn him into Cinderguitar everyday, even in our twenties, if it makes us happy. I laughed at the absurdity of the thought but I tear-ed as well at the suggestion of his words.
Such was the revelation and the things that I learnt about him yesterday. It was a rare moment as he confided in me his feelings and his thoughts. He said that he really missed you, La. He said that one night, as he was missing you, it occurred to him that if he was missing you that much such that he couldn't contain his tears, he asked himself how much worse I must be feeling because I was closer to you and that you were my companion as we were growing up.
His sensibility moved me. I was stunned by his words and his caring thoughts. I was rendered silent for a moment as I contemplated the statement.
I didn't say anything to that. It was hypothetical. It needed no confirmation or denial. What I know is that we all miss you, and there's no way to quantify or to define the magnitude of the loss that we are feeling. Although I could reciprocate by posing him the next hypothetical question - how much worse does he think Mak & Abah are feeling - but I didn't.
La, I'm sure you get a lot of prayers from Mak & Abah. I see them immersing themselves in prayers. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the sadness; by channelling it into something good. Especially Abah. He prays & recites the Surahs all the time. It is rare not to see him kneeling on his prayer mat, submitting himself to God, confiding his feelings in Him or with his palms upturned, praying to Him for His mercy, His help and comfort. Mak, whenever she's not praying, she'll busy herself with housework or the kids. You'll never see her idling.
Such are our parents, La. And such is our kid brother who has grown up and matured. :)
La, if you may, do visit them often, k? Or if you're still around, as people say, I'm sure you're praying along with them for His blessings and comfort. I'm sure. Because you have always been sensible like that.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Backlog
La, it's been slightly more than two weeks... It's still not easy for me. I pray to Allah may He gives me the strength to get through the days to come.
La, for several days, I have been typing out a few entries but I never posted them. I just kept them as drafts.
Sometimes it's because I cried too much as I was typing them out and then, at some point, I was lost for words, literally. So I stopped and saved them as drafts, intending to continue some other days.
Sometimes, I cried and typed too much and I ended up falling asleep without completing the entry, with one hand tucked under the pillow and the other still on the keyboard, face stricken with dried tears, eyelids swollen and heavy.
Do not think that I have forgotten you, La. How could I possibly forget you? Is that even possible? I don't wish to and I will never do.
Sometimes, it feels like you're somewhere near me but most of the time, I can feel the emptiness that was once filled by your presence.
La, sometimes I wonder what you're doing and how you're feeling. I wonder if you miss us as much as we miss you. I wonder if you can see us, hear us, feel us. I wonder if you'll appear whenever we mention your name or think of you. I wonder how our prayers reach you. I wonder if you can still feel our love for you.
I've so much work to do, so many things to think about and yet you still occupy most of my thoughts. No matter what and when, you're there, at the top of my mind.
I've got to do some work for my project now, La. I'll talk to you again very soon and I'll post the backlog of entries.
I'm still missing you...
I'll be missing you for the rest of my life...
La, for several days, I have been typing out a few entries but I never posted them. I just kept them as drafts.
Sometimes it's because I cried too much as I was typing them out and then, at some point, I was lost for words, literally. So I stopped and saved them as drafts, intending to continue some other days.
Sometimes, I cried and typed too much and I ended up falling asleep without completing the entry, with one hand tucked under the pillow and the other still on the keyboard, face stricken with dried tears, eyelids swollen and heavy.
Do not think that I have forgotten you, La. How could I possibly forget you? Is that even possible? I don't wish to and I will never do.
Sometimes, it feels like you're somewhere near me but most of the time, I can feel the emptiness that was once filled by your presence.
La, sometimes I wonder what you're doing and how you're feeling. I wonder if you miss us as much as we miss you. I wonder if you can see us, hear us, feel us. I wonder if you'll appear whenever we mention your name or think of you. I wonder how our prayers reach you. I wonder if you can still feel our love for you.
I've so much work to do, so many things to think about and yet you still occupy most of my thoughts. No matter what and when, you're there, at the top of my mind.
I've got to do some work for my project now, La. I'll talk to you again very soon and I'll post the backlog of entries.
I'm still missing you...
I'll be missing you for the rest of my life...
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