Silence is the sound of disbelief

La, one of your friends called up looking for you earlier today.

When the guy said your name on the phone, I thought I heard it wrong. I was thinking perhaps he meant to say my name but he mispronounced it and it sounded like yours instead. I got him to repeat it twice. He didn't say the wrong name afterall. He was, indeed, looking for you.

I told him. About you. And that I was sorry to break the news to him. It rendered him silent. It was the "sound" of shock and disbelief.

I asked for his name. He said it's K/o/j/i. I remembered you mentioned him to me once before so I told him. He told me that he had been overseas for a while and since he's back in Singapore, he'd look you up. He told me that he used to be close to you at work and that he wasn't that close with the rest. He wanted to catch up. Only to find out there's no more you to catch up with. He was genuinely shocked.

He asked about your kids, how they are getting along. He was concerned if they would be able to take the blow. Ironically, your kids were making a ruckus in the background. :)

He left me his mobile number so that I can contact him should the kids need anything. I would not impose on him but out of courtesy and to respect him for his good wishes, I noted it down. He said he would do anything should the kids need any help. It was the least he could do in honour of you.

I apologised to him for not being able to contact him to inform of your demise. He apologised to me for not knowing and for calling up asking for you. We are both sorry you are not here. Here to pick up the call. Here to meet up with him and catch up on old times. Here to be with us.

Five months. And there are many out there who still do not know.

Five months. And we still feel your absence.

Passing the 5 months mark

150 days came and went.

Today marks the 155th day.

La, each day, I am closer to being with you. Well, not exactly be in the same place and same destination as you though.

You're in a different spot and I believe you will be in a different place when the time comes. You'll be in heaven while my final destination is still unknown.

La, kadang-kadang Adik terlalu rindukan Zilla. Entahlah, La. Aren't I supposed to be stronger as the days go by?

My friend's dad passed away a few days ago. She had already lost her mother years ago and now she lost her dad. He had cancer, La. Just like you. Although it was a different form of cancer. Kesian dia, La. She's 22 and she's the eldest child. One younger brother is in NS and her youngest brother is just about to be enlisted. She's in her third year in NTU now and she already has to fend for herself and her brothers. Kesiankan dia, La?

Cancer robs a person of his or her loved ones. Cancer robs a soul all the time. Cancer takes away a family's happiness. However, I know, La, that Allah has a reason for creating it. Sometimes, it is how redemption is presented to a person. Also, it is a test of faith for some people like me - how much faith do we have in Him?

La, I don't blame cancer and I don't blame Him for taking you away. I do blame those people for hurting you and making you suffer while you are already hurting. I know Allah took you away so that you will stop hurting. He took your pain away eternally. I do wish though that my pain eases away. I don't want to forget you, I still want to see you in my dreams since I can't have you alive, but the pain...

I'll work on it...

I'll work on being more mechanical. With less emotions.

Cold and empty

La, wouldn't it be great if I can devoid myself of all emotions? So that I can let go of anyone close to me with ease.

I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the loss. I don't want to feel the longing. I don't want to reminisce.

I just want to live life mechanically.

I don't want any emotional baggage. Emotional burden.

I don't want to care.

I want to be cold.

I want to be hard and cold.

Do you think that's possible, La?

I need to be hard and cold now.

I need to be empty.

This shall be me in this new year.

It's Muharram, La. A new year for us. It's about migration, isn't it? And a change from bad to good. From weak to strong. And I, La, shall be strong.

New year, same sadness

I was doing my work in this very late hour, in fact I was pretty deep into my work. So much to do. Yet, even in this busy moment, I was reminded of you. Suddenly you came into my mind.

And because I'm working on my laptop, instinctively I took a look at the photo that I saved on my desktop - a photo of us together, having a whale of time at a karaoke session.

Usually, I will either smile or get melancholic looking at the photo. This time, my tears fell like they have been there all along, in the dam of my eyes, just waiting for the moment when I would open the barge.

I missed you so so much, La.

I'm so sorry, La. I'm so sorry.

I hope God sends you the Al-Fatihah I recited especially for you moments ago. I hope He grants me my prayers.

I'm feeling better now as I type this out.

I'll get through this...