Retrospective

La, Adik jumpa this old video of us fixing the wheel in the cage of the hamster that Ikhwan brought home. It was a very short video of barely a minute long. Its quality is quite bad and in the video, I could only see your hands, your fingers, the rings on your last two fingers. I wish I had taken a shot of your face when you were talking. Nevertheless the most important thing is the video captured your voice and your laughter. I cried when I heard your voice.

It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while since I last heard your voice, what more your laughter.

Adik rindu Zilla. Rindu sangat-sangat.

La, I dreamt of you yesterday. It was a sad dream because I dreamt that Irfan has been called upon to return to Him too. It was a big blow to all of us because we lost Irfan soon after losing you. And my heart cried for Ikhwan. He lost his only sibling after losing his mother. Thankfully it was just a bad dream. Kesian anak-anak kau, La. They only have each other. Their father only plays an "ad hoc" role in their lives. I doubt they see him once a month.

La, my birthday went by very quietly without any celebration. It was a very sad day. My birthday will always be a sad reminder of the day you got sick again.

I remembered in the early hours of my 25th birthday, you got so ill so suddenly and Mak, Abah and I were scrambling to get to your place as soon as we could. In those hours when everyone else was sound asleep. When we got there, Abah had to carry you off the bed. We took you back to our house and as it turned out, that was the last time you ever saw your house again.

My birthday marked the deterioration of your health. The downspiral of your life. The beginning of the end of your life. How could a humane person possibly have a happy birthday ever since then?

I'm not sad that I will never have a happy birthday again. I'm only sad because each year on my birthday I will be reminded of the day when I start losing the only sister I have. The one whom I love so dearly.

Allah taught me the greatness of love by giving me one mum, one dad, one sister and one brother. And He gave you two sons who are a legacy to your life. He gave us living reminders of you. How wise and how thoughtful He is. And He really does know it better than we will ever know.

I love you, La.