Random thoughts

Sometimes, I'm hit by random thoughts of wanting to send you an SMS to tell you something, only to recall in the next second that you aren't around for me to send an SMS to.

At other times, I feel like calling you but the next moment I remembered that I am not able to call you anymore.

Occasionally, when I'm on my way home, I'd say to myself I've got to share the story with you when I reach home, only to realise that you will not be at home when I get there.

La, at times, I forgot that you're no longer here.

It's like I have memory lapses and I forgot the reality although I'm living in reality. It's scary.

It's saddening.

I feel like I'm one of those old people who have Alzheimer's and forgot that their husband or wife or child has passed away. You know how sometimes they would happily form thoughts of wanting to share a piece of news with the lost one, only to realise that they can't? I feel like one of them, La.

I dreamt of you today but again, it isn't one of those dreams but just one of those dreams.

I don't even remember now what I dreamt.

That is sad.

I still can't do it

I thought I would never dream of you again after your 40th day but I did. I had a couple of dreams about you but not of you.

Now, when I do see you in my dreams, I do not see you as though you're alive and here in front of my eyes, where I can see you, every detail of you, but all I get are some scenes of the past or a mixed-up mashed-up product of my memories of you.

It's like watching a scene from a film that we recorded in the past. Moments when you were sick and I was caring for you, the last few nights I spent with you, your cries of pain and the pain I feel when I watch you in pain. Not sweet memories. No smiles.

I miss dreaming of you. I miss seeing you alive, happy and vivid in my dreams.

I am missing you.

I know there's no way I can get you back and I guess there's no way I can meet you in my dreams again.