Oh, she'll be back

La, did you receive our prayers?

We had a kenduri tahlil for you and Atuk yesterday. Guess what, La. Atuk has left us for a year. Yeah, a year already. And you, you have left us for more than 4 months. 127 days today, to be precised.

I had a dream of you. Again I dreamt that you aren't gone, that you're still around. I guess deep down I want you to be around.

La, although I have been living my life without you for months now and that previously, I had been used to not having you around all the time, I got thinking the other night about how I have been coping all along. I realised that subconsciously I've been telling myself that this is just temporary and that I will see you again. It's as though I have been telling myself: "Oh, she'll be back. Like she always do." I had been so used to expecting to see you again after you've been away for some period of time that I continue to do that subconsciously. I don't know if that's the way I cope. It's like I half-expect to see you at home one of these days.

I really do wonder how others do this. Do this coping business. Because I am doing it the only way my mind knows how. By deceiving myself.

La, how can one so vivacious, so loud, so bubbly, so spirited like you be taken away so soon? Had you been someone who was quiet, boring and so forgettable, I guess it would probably be easier for me to not think of you so often. But you're not. I mean you were not. I see you laughing, joking, singing, dancing in my mind. You're so alive. I do wonder, La, how can someone so alive like you be... I don't like to use the d-word. You know what I'm trying to say.

It is not that I want to fight fate and destiny. I just wonder that's all.

However, I do realise that God has other plans for you and I. He'd rather keep you on His side so that others will not hurt you anymore. So that you will no longer suffer. You will no longer feel the worldly pain. I'm sure He'll make you happy. He is just and fair like that. I believe so. And I know so.

All because of his birthday

It's been a while since I talked wrote to you, La. I have been trying not to think of you as much as before. Even though my exams are over and I am having my December break now, I am still very much occupied, thanks to final year project. Everyday I am doing FYP stuff such that I am not liking it. It is taking too much of my time. And worst still, it does not help to take my mind off you.

La, it was Adam's birthday two days ago. I bet you are aware of that still. I don't know, I guess you do. It's just that you can't do anything about it, that's all.

Anyway, it was his birthday and the mood was sombre although Ikhwan could not contain his excitement and he blurted "Happy Birthday Adam!" a day early. Well, actually it was a few hours early as he said it at night, as soon as Adam stepped into the house after a day's work. Yes, anak kau tu memang excited sangat, La. Macam dia yang birthday. Tapi dah kata Ikhwan. Kau tau lah anak kau tu. He even told his uncle what presents have been bought for him, killing the surprise and excitement of opening his presents. Tsk tsk... Ikhwan Ikhwan...

So, La, our kid brother is all grown up now. 22. No longer a kid, a year into officially being an adult, no excuses to be kiddish anymore. And I baked him cupcakes, with coffee cream cheese and plain cream cheese frosting that decorated the top of the cupcakes. He loved my cupcakes. So did everyone, especially your kids because I decorated some for them too, with the letters of their names. You would have liked them too. You used to love my bakes, especially my meringues. Kan, La? :)

Do you remember, La, when we celebrated birthdays with our family? Whose ever birthday it was, Mak would bake a cake and all gifts would be wrapped in the same wrapping paper but in different ways, courtesy of Mak's creativity. Some shaped like a big wrapped candy, some shaped like shirts, complete with collars, others with a folded paper fan stuck to the front or at any one of the corners, and others shaped and decorated in many other ways, all depending on the inspiration that struck her while she was wrapping all those gifts. She even wrapped a badminton racket, remember? :)

Fond memories, ya?

Such memories, in the beginning they'll make me happy as I reminisce but without fail, they'll make me cry in sadness at the thought of your absence. Why, oh why, am I still so affected by your absence?

I'm trying, La. I am. I am still trying. Oh God, I am.

Sometimes I think I'm not made for this. This heartache thing. This loss of beloved family member thing. I can handle a breakup, I can get over a breakup, I can stop loving other people but I can't stop loving a few people. Really beloved people. People who matter most to me. People like you. People like Mak and Abah. How am I supposed to live through the days when the time comes for Mak and Abah to go?

I can't imagine how it'll be for me. Losing you is already too much to take. I'm still holding on, still alive, ya, but I have this great sadness in me now. One that I will have to bear for the rest of my life. How, I wonder, will I be able to bear more sadness in future when other loved ones leave me? Will He then take my life because He knows I will not be able to take too much pain? Or will He let me live through them all because He knows that I am in fact much stronger than I think I am?

Only Allah knows best. And I put my fate in His hands. For really, I cannot... I cannot imagine how my fate will be.

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And where do all these words and thoughts come from? All because of Adam's birthday. It propagated all those memories and thoughts. All because of his birthday...

What do you call 100 days if 100 years is a century?

It's been 100 days, La. Seems like it's a lot of days. No matter how many days it has been, it still feels like it was just yesterday.

The wound is still raw.

The pain is still there.

The tears still fall.

The heart still yearns...

Moments are all I have now. Moments when you come into my mind. Moments where my heart says I'm going to see you later when I get home or I'm going to send you an SMS to tell you what just comes to mind and so on, only to realise a second later that I will not be able to that.

Yeh, I still get those moments. Maybe it's one of those post-whatever effect.