All because of his birthday

It's been a while since I talked wrote to you, La. I have been trying not to think of you as much as before. Even though my exams are over and I am having my December break now, I am still very much occupied, thanks to final year project. Everyday I am doing FYP stuff such that I am not liking it. It is taking too much of my time. And worst still, it does not help to take my mind off you.

La, it was Adam's birthday two days ago. I bet you are aware of that still. I don't know, I guess you do. It's just that you can't do anything about it, that's all.

Anyway, it was his birthday and the mood was sombre although Ikhwan could not contain his excitement and he blurted "Happy Birthday Adam!" a day early. Well, actually it was a few hours early as he said it at night, as soon as Adam stepped into the house after a day's work. Yes, anak kau tu memang excited sangat, La. Macam dia yang birthday. Tapi dah kata Ikhwan. Kau tau lah anak kau tu. He even told his uncle what presents have been bought for him, killing the surprise and excitement of opening his presents. Tsk tsk... Ikhwan Ikhwan...

So, La, our kid brother is all grown up now. 22. No longer a kid, a year into officially being an adult, no excuses to be kiddish anymore. And I baked him cupcakes, with coffee cream cheese and plain cream cheese frosting that decorated the top of the cupcakes. He loved my cupcakes. So did everyone, especially your kids because I decorated some for them too, with the letters of their names. You would have liked them too. You used to love my bakes, especially my meringues. Kan, La? :)

Do you remember, La, when we celebrated birthdays with our family? Whose ever birthday it was, Mak would bake a cake and all gifts would be wrapped in the same wrapping paper but in different ways, courtesy of Mak's creativity. Some shaped like a big wrapped candy, some shaped like shirts, complete with collars, others with a folded paper fan stuck to the front or at any one of the corners, and others shaped and decorated in many other ways, all depending on the inspiration that struck her while she was wrapping all those gifts. She even wrapped a badminton racket, remember? :)

Fond memories, ya?

Such memories, in the beginning they'll make me happy as I reminisce but without fail, they'll make me cry in sadness at the thought of your absence. Why, oh why, am I still so affected by your absence?

I'm trying, La. I am. I am still trying. Oh God, I am.

Sometimes I think I'm not made for this. This heartache thing. This loss of beloved family member thing. I can handle a breakup, I can get over a breakup, I can stop loving other people but I can't stop loving a few people. Really beloved people. People who matter most to me. People like you. People like Mak and Abah. How am I supposed to live through the days when the time comes for Mak and Abah to go?

I can't imagine how it'll be for me. Losing you is already too much to take. I'm still holding on, still alive, ya, but I have this great sadness in me now. One that I will have to bear for the rest of my life. How, I wonder, will I be able to bear more sadness in future when other loved ones leave me? Will He then take my life because He knows I will not be able to take too much pain? Or will He let me live through them all because He knows that I am in fact much stronger than I think I am?

Only Allah knows best. And I put my fate in His hands. For really, I cannot... I cannot imagine how my fate will be.

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And where do all these words and thoughts come from? All because of Adam's birthday. It propagated all those memories and thoughts. All because of his birthday...