La, we had tahlil for you today. It was a small group of our closest relatives and a couple of Abah's good friends, coming together to recite prayers for you. Just for you. For it was the third day of your demise.
Throughout the prayer recitation, I tried very hard to hold back my tears. It felt like it was just yesterday when I sat by your side, reciting the Yaasin on that fateful night. I kept glancing at you, quietly hoping that it wasn't really true and that you were just unconscious yet still alive.
La, I am selfish, aren't I? I kept hoping that God would keep you alive and insya'Allah, with His mercy, you would be cured in no time. I did not want Him to take you away although that would end your sufferings for all eternity.
I wanted you to be alive so that I get to see you everyday, talk to you, joke with you and grow old with you. We could have a big family and when we have grandchildren, can you just imagine the clamor of voices in the house on Hari Raya when we all get together?
Dear Allah, forgive me for having such thoughts. I don't question Your doing and I am not questioning our destiny, for I know that You know best. You know what's good for us and You will grant us that. This was the best for her and this is her destiny. This is my fate and this is a challenge for me.
I know I'll have to work my way through the challenges that you have for me because they are tests from You. It's just that this is the toughest one so far and sometimes I tend to defer to the easiest way out - by thinking of the "what ifs" and allowing myself to think of the unthinkable. Please forgive me, dear God. I pray that may I be jolted to my senses each time my mind strays to such thoughts.
Zilla, you must be happier where you are. I know you are happy to be finally relieved of all the pain that you had been enduring. Honestly, I am truly relieved too but it is hard to be glad about it. Nobody would be glad to see a loved one go, no matter what the circumstances are.
Parting is never easy for anybody. If I am feeling so sad, what about Mak & Abah? I'm sure they feel worse. I have never seen them as distraught before, especially Abah. His voice quivered as he tried his very best to hold back his tears, unsuccessfully, as he recited the azan repeatedly in your ears during your last few minutes with us. Leading you the shahadah was an even tougher and more heart-wrenching thing to do, not just for him, but for Nenek, Mak and me too.
Even so, La, we know we should let you go willingly. In those moments of separation - when you passed on, when it was the last time we could see your face before the white shroud covers your face, when you were lowered down into your new 'resting place', as well as when we had to leave the place - I swear I was willing to because I didn't want you to feel reluctant to go. I would only be causing you pain and I didn't want that. Also, I had to be strong during those times for Mak. If I faltered, she would falter too. She was already barely hanging on.
La, I know you want me to take care of them. I will. I won't let you down. I won't forget to say my prayers for you too. It's the only thing I can do for you now. It's the only gift I can give you. It's the only gift that matters. For now 'til the end of my life.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Saturday, 25 August 2007, 12:15am
The date and time are engraved in my mind forever.
How can I ever the forget that moment, the moment you stopped breathing. It was surreal. Everything is surreal now. You are still around, aren't you?
La, during those moments of your last breaths, everyone prayed so hard for you. I did too. I kept praying to Allah to ease your journey to the Hereafter. I said to Him I will redha and willingly let you go if it was really time for you to go. Yet, at the same time, in my heart, I was also hoping that somehow it was a false alarm; that you'll pull through & I will be able to see you smile again. However, my little heart knew that it was just wishful thinking.
The whole day that led to that fateful night, I didn't feel at ease inside. However, I couldn't put my finger on it & I kept laughing & making jokes with my friends to mask that uneasy feeling I had inside. I did so in school, at lunch, at my project meeting and following that too. While I sat down beside Singapore River after my meeting ended, I felt rather melancholic even though I was watching some tourists having mere-seconds thrill on the Gmax.
Why didn't I return home straight after that? Why didn't anybody, or anything, tell me that you would be leaving us in matter of hours? Why didn't you call or sms me to get home early like you did previously?
When Mak called me at about 8+pm, she asked when I would be back because you were sick & I told her I wouldn't be back late because yes, of course, I do know you were sick. She didn't tell me that you seemed different and that she was worried that you might go anytime. And I didn't sense any difference in her voice & it didn't occur to me that you were more ill than usual.
Why didn't I get the instinct? Why did I decide to elude those feelings of uncertainty by distracting myself instead? How could I call myself your sister when I don't even know that you were at home, asking Mak for the time every now & then, counting down to your last minute?
Have I disappointed you, La, during your last hours?
No matter how much tears I cry, I can never get back those hours.
Even so, I am thankful to Allah that He led me home in time. I am relieved that I managed to be with you for that couple of hours. I am thankful that I did get to be by your side, to stroke your hands while you still had pulse, to see you with your eyes still opened, to watch you take your last breaths, to sweep those stray hair off of your forehead with my fingers, to touch and kiss your forehead before it turns cold, to hear you say the shahadah albeit faintly, to witness the last look you gave Abah, the last tear that you shed and the hint of a smile you gave seconds before you go.
Allah is The Most Merciful and Allah is The Most Loving. Alhamdulillah, He made sure you felt the least pain possible, for you passed on very peacefully, La. What more, all of our family members and most of our relatives from both sides of the family were by your side as you took your last breath. And you even left with a smile, masya'Allah.
Even though Abah & Mak, Adam & me, the kids and everyone else were so sad that we had to part with you, I am relieved that you would no longer have to endure all the worldly pain & sufferings. You are safely by His side, in His arms and under His protection now. No more evil people, body-destroying cancer and unbearably painful pressure wounds to deal with.
On Saturday, 25 August 2007, at 12.15am, you passed on to a better place. On Saturday, 12 Sha'aban 1428 Hijriah, you were freed from all the worries of this life.
How can I ever the forget that moment, the moment you stopped breathing. It was surreal. Everything is surreal now. You are still around, aren't you?
La, during those moments of your last breaths, everyone prayed so hard for you. I did too. I kept praying to Allah to ease your journey to the Hereafter. I said to Him I will redha and willingly let you go if it was really time for you to go. Yet, at the same time, in my heart, I was also hoping that somehow it was a false alarm; that you'll pull through & I will be able to see you smile again. However, my little heart knew that it was just wishful thinking.
The whole day that led to that fateful night, I didn't feel at ease inside. However, I couldn't put my finger on it & I kept laughing & making jokes with my friends to mask that uneasy feeling I had inside. I did so in school, at lunch, at my project meeting and following that too. While I sat down beside Singapore River after my meeting ended, I felt rather melancholic even though I was watching some tourists having mere-seconds thrill on the Gmax.
Why didn't I return home straight after that? Why didn't anybody, or anything, tell me that you would be leaving us in matter of hours? Why didn't you call or sms me to get home early like you did previously?
When Mak called me at about 8+pm, she asked when I would be back because you were sick & I told her I wouldn't be back late because yes, of course, I do know you were sick. She didn't tell me that you seemed different and that she was worried that you might go anytime. And I didn't sense any difference in her voice & it didn't occur to me that you were more ill than usual.
Why didn't I get the instinct? Why did I decide to elude those feelings of uncertainty by distracting myself instead? How could I call myself your sister when I don't even know that you were at home, asking Mak for the time every now & then, counting down to your last minute?
Have I disappointed you, La, during your last hours?
No matter how much tears I cry, I can never get back those hours.
Even so, I am thankful to Allah that He led me home in time. I am relieved that I managed to be with you for that couple of hours. I am thankful that I did get to be by your side, to stroke your hands while you still had pulse, to see you with your eyes still opened, to watch you take your last breaths, to sweep those stray hair off of your forehead with my fingers, to touch and kiss your forehead before it turns cold, to hear you say the shahadah albeit faintly, to witness the last look you gave Abah, the last tear that you shed and the hint of a smile you gave seconds before you go.
Allah is The Most Merciful and Allah is The Most Loving. Alhamdulillah, He made sure you felt the least pain possible, for you passed on very peacefully, La. What more, all of our family members and most of our relatives from both sides of the family were by your side as you took your last breath. And you even left with a smile, masya'Allah.
Even though Abah & Mak, Adam & me, the kids and everyone else were so sad that we had to part with you, I am relieved that you would no longer have to endure all the worldly pain & sufferings. You are safely by His side, in His arms and under His protection now. No more evil people, body-destroying cancer and unbearably painful pressure wounds to deal with.
On Saturday, 25 August 2007, at 12.15am, you passed on to a better place. On Saturday, 12 Sha'aban 1428 Hijriah, you were freed from all the worries of this life.
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