This is so hard...

La, we had tahlil for you today. It was a small group of our closest relatives and a couple of Abah's good friends, coming together to recite prayers for you. Just for you. For it was the third day of your demise.

Throughout the prayer recitation, I tried very hard to hold back my tears. It felt like it was just yesterday when I sat by your side, reciting the Yaasin on that fateful night. I kept glancing at you, quietly hoping that it wasn't really true and that you were just unconscious yet still alive.

La, I am selfish, aren't I? I kept hoping that God would keep you alive and insya'Allah, with His mercy, you would be cured in no time. I did not want Him to take you away although that would end your sufferings for all eternity.

I wanted you to be alive so that I get to see you everyday, talk to you, joke with you and grow old with you. We could have a big family and when we have grandchildren, can you just imagine the clamor of voices in the house on Hari Raya when we all get together?

Dear Allah, forgive me for having such thoughts. I don't question Your doing and I am not questioning our destiny, for I know that You know best. You know what's good for us and You will grant us that. This was the best for her and this is her destiny. This is my fate and this is a challenge for me.

I know I'll have to work my way through the challenges that you have for me because they are tests from You. It's just that this is the toughest one so far and sometimes I tend to defer to the easiest way out - by thinking of the "what ifs" and allowing myself to think of the unthinkable. Please forgive me, dear God. I pray that may I be jolted to my senses each time my mind strays to such thoughts.

Zilla, you must be happier where you are. I know you are happy to be finally relieved of all the pain that you had been enduring. Honestly, I am truly relieved too but it is hard to be glad about it. Nobody would be glad to see a loved one go, no matter what the circumstances are.

Parting is never easy for anybody. If I am feeling so sad, what about Mak & Abah? I'm sure they feel worse. I have never seen them as distraught before, especially Abah. His voice quivered as he tried his very best to hold back his tears, unsuccessfully, as he recited the azan repeatedly in your ears during your last few minutes with us. Leading you the shahadah was an even tougher and more heart-wrenching thing to do, not just for him, but for Nenek, Mak and me too.

Even so, La, we know we should let you go willingly. In those moments of separation - when you passed on, when it was the last time we could see your face before the white shroud covers your face, when you were lowered down into your new 'resting place', as well as when we had to leave the place - I swear I was willing to because I didn't want you to feel reluctant to go. I would only be causing you pain and I didn't want that. Also, I had to be strong during those times for Mak. If I faltered, she would falter too. She was already barely hanging on.

La, I know you want me to take care of them. I will. I won't let you down. I won't forget to say my prayers for you too. It's the only thing I can do for you now. It's the only gift I can give you. It's the only gift that matters. For now 'til the end of my life.