For everyone else, it was just a day, like other days. For us, it's a milestone.
It's a reminder of how far we have been without you, it's a mark of how far we have progressed. For some of us, it is a progress. For others, it is still a hurdle to get over.
He said I've got to learn to let go. Haven't I let you go? Didn't I? I know I did when you had to be taken away from us. I did. I did let you go. And God be my witness, I did let go.
He said once I've learnt to let go, I'll be able to move on. Haven't I moved on? I'm not fixated on the warped idea of bringing you back to life and I know am certain that you are in a better place and that you'll end up in the best place ever. And I'm living my life, aren't I? I am moving ahead, going through the tomorrows of my life. So I am moving on.
He said I can only be stronger if I let go. Am I not stronger now? Haven't I walk the past 60 days on my own without falling? Never mind the tears. They are just like the rain; it can't be sunny all year round.
And just like there's nothing wrong with the rain that peppers the days of the week, there's nothing wrong with the tears that accompanies the nights.
"Breathe in, breathe out Move on and break down Everyone goes away I will stay...
Hold on, hold tight Make it through another night Everyday there comes the sun With the dawn..."
Maybe what they say is true. That the soul leaves the house after the 40th day. Because I don't "feel" you around anymore. And I haven't dreamt of you ever since.
La, I can't describe just how much I miss you and am feeling your loss. I felt it bad during the fasting month but worse during the first few days of it. Every little thing reminded me of you, of us when we were kids. The Maghrib prayer call reminded me of times when we broke our fast together as a family, the plate of rice reminded me of how you liked to eat your ice - with lots of soy sauce, the twinkling lights reminded me of how we used to challenge each other who would get to switch on the twinkling lights as soon as the azan is heard on radio, those moments when we contented ourselves by sitting right under the window just so we can look up to admire the beautiful twinkling lights. It was always you & me.
You were my companion. You were my sidekick. At times when we got bored playing, we would pretend that we were fighting just to get Mak's attention & fury, and then we would laugh at Mak when she started to scold us for fighting with each other. We always play such stupid jokes & Mak used to say that we sisters really had nothing better to do such that we had to pretend as though we were fighting. At night, when we refused to go to sleep early, we would wait 'til Mak & Abah were asleep before we started our nonsense. We would play-act, we would jump on our old bed, climb up our old cupboard & jump from the top of it & onto the bed, we would shout to our neighbourhood friends who lived in the opposite block because we knew they were not asleep too. We would always do these sorts of nonsense. And it was always you & me.
You were my caring sister. You were my guardian. When I was old enough for kindergarten, I was so scared that I would have to be in class without you. When I cried, you would comfort me & tell me how wonderful school would be & that I would not need you to be around beside me at all times but I would insist. And you would relent. When some naughty kids bullied me & destroyed my kiddy artwork, you put up a brave front & you scolded them. You always protected me. After school, when we have time to play before returning home, we would run around & chase each other. Most of the time we didn't bother including other kids because we found some of them rather pesky. So it always just you & me. Just us, La.
The takbir reminded me that now I am without you. So does this song, a song that you liked when you were around. La, there's no more us. It's just me now. And it's just you over there.
I missed you badly during the first few days of Ramadhan but now that it's Hari Raya, I miss you even more. Throughout the course of the first day of Raya, I made sure I looked fine to everyone. I made sure that I didn't show my sadness, that I didn't show that I'm affected by your absence. I didn't think it was right to put up a sad face on such a happy and glorious day. As much as I try to be happy & not think of your absence, the few people whom I met earlier today reminded me of it. They reminded me that I'm now the eldest in the family. They reminded me that the responsibility of taking care of Mak & Abah is now mine. They reminded me that I have lost you & I have to be strong & patient. They reminded me of my loss & they reminded Mak & Abah of their loss. If you had seen us just now, La, you would be proud of us. We were calm and even smiled when others asked about you, your passing etc. We are a family of swans - graceful and calm on the surface but what goes on under the water is furious kicking and paddling to stay afloat. But La, Nenek was a different story.
It was heartbreaking to see Nenek cry today, La. This is her first Raya without Atuk & she is also short of one grandchild. She didn't smile today. She also didn't want to take photos because she was reminded that she always had Atuk by her side & Atuk used to joke with her to get her to smile or pose in the photos. It has been almost 10 months without him for her. And it has been 49 days without you. She has lost her husband & grandchild. I have lost Atuk & you. She misses her sidekick. I miss mine.
La, I'm supposed to have slept by now. I'll have to wake up at 6+ am & it's already 4:50 now. Our family's coming to visit you later, La. And I wouldn't have to tell you to wait up because you would have already been waiting for us.
La, I managed to catch a Malay drama on TV earlier & its last scene was of a sick mother's last moment with her three children. The long-suffering mother was dying of cancer.
Watching the scene reminded me of the time when you passed on, La. Those people were just acting and they cried buckets. If it happens to them for real, I think I know just how heart-wrenching it would really be. To witness your loved one moving on to the Hereafter and yet all that you can offer are your tears, prayers to God for Him to make the journey for your loved one a smooth one & as painless as possible, and a willingness to let your loved one go lest your hesitance be a hindrance to his/her ride to God.
La, sometimes I wonder if you were scared when you knew that you were definitely going. Weeks and days before you go, we know you have anticipated it. In fact, it had already crossed your mind when you first got sick. We were told to prepare ourselves too and we discussed about it. We knew we had to be ready if & when it comes but still, no matter how we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally, the feeling when the time came just totally overwhelmed us and left us beaten and raw when we struggled to deal with it. We had difficulty letting you go. Who wouldn't be when they are in such a state? But let go, we did, for letting go was inevitable.
La, were you scared to let go, La? Were you scared when the Angel of Death came for you? Were you scared to be left lying alone in the soil? I know I would be. These are just random thoughts in my head. Really, they are just hypothetical as I know I can never get your answers. Rather, they are questions that I am really asking myself; How would it be when my time comes?
I've been praying for you, for our late grandfathers and grandmother, for our friends and family members who have left before us, and I pray that one day I will get to see all the departed beloved again. I want to be with you again, just like old times. But La, would it be possible, especially if you'll be in Heaven & I will not?
This reminds me of the doa taubat that we used to listen and sing along to over & over again. It never fails to make us feel remorse although we know that as days, months and years pass, we would err & sin. As it is, I'm trying to trudge along carefully so as to not step into too many potholes along this road. I'm still trying and slowly learning. Slowly but surely, insya'Allah.
I'm also reminded of a song that you loved by Ungu. I have never noticed the words in the song until after you were gone. It was about a person's thoughts on death & what would he do, say or think when death comes for him. Also, the other day, I heard Rabbani's song about a man's separation from the world. I have heard it countless times but due to your recent demise, it reminded me of you, and it was also a reminder to my own self - a picture of my death painted by the words of the song.
I'm being morbid, I know. And it wasn't brought on by your passing. I have, in fact, always been morbid but admittedly, it has been heightened after Atuk and you passed on.
I am supposed to be revising for my midterm exam tomorrow later & I have an early morning meeting with a corporate partner before school so clearly I should be spending my time revising or sleeping, but as usual, my thoughts at night would always be of you. And unless I let it out, I would not be able to concentrate on my revision or sleep.
I miss you, La. Rest well tonight. I'll talk to you again soon.
La, it has been 40 days since you returned to Him.
People say that after one passes on, one's soul will still be around in the house for another 40 days and after the 40th day, one will leave the house. Is it true, La?
Were you really around this past month? Did you hear all the things that I spoke to you about those nights before I sleep? Were you beside me, La, as I was telling you all those things? And are you really leaving the house today? Would you be able to return to visit me? Would you return to visit Mak, Abah, Adam & your kids?
La, 40 days have passed too quickly. It's too soon. It is still not easy accepting the fact that I do not have an elder sister anymore. It hasn't been until recently that I realise that I am now the eldest and the only daughter. La, you usually have my back, and I have yours. Now, whose going to have my back when I need to?
Over the years, no matter what happened to either one of us, no matter how we quarrelled, no matter how we were caught up with our own activities, even if we were not staying together, we still get together to talk, to joke around, to share a laughter. And when you were in need, you would call me up & bother me. Sometimes, you were a nuisance. Just like at times I was a real nuisance to you too. But all siblings are nuisance, anyway. Even so, all siblings love one another. Just like how I love you & Adam very much.
La, do you know what's been happening in our household? Can you see & hear everything that's been happening here? I hope you are not upset with what's been happening. We are trying to work things out. The thing is, I don't know the reason why he's been acting that way.
And La, for quite a few nights, I haven't been talking to you. Not here, not before I sleep. Except last night. Were you waiting, La, to have our nightly conversations? Adik minta maaf, eh La. I have been too caught up with schoolwork. I've so many things to settle. My FYP's taking too much of my time. I really don't like school now.
La, if it is true that I can just say your name & you'll hear me from wherever you are, I shall continue to do so. I shall say your name & talk to you. Just like what I have been doing. And if you can see me typing all these entries all this while & you can read them, I shall continue to jot you an entry whenever I can. I'll do anything permissible and within my means to be able to talk to you. It's OK if you can't say it back to me. I am not expecting much. I know there are limitations.
And La, if you still can, even though it may be true that you are leaving the house after today, would you still come into my dreams if you can, La? I'd love to see you again. Whenever I see you in my dreams, it always makes my day.
