La, I managed to catch a Malay drama on TV earlier & its last scene was of a sick mother's last moment with her three children. The long-suffering mother was dying of cancer.
Watching the scene reminded me of the time when you passed on, La. Those people were just acting and they cried buckets. If it happens to them for real, I think I know just how heart-wrenching it would really be. To witness your loved one moving on to the Hereafter and yet all that you can offer are your tears, prayers to God for Him to make the journey for your loved one a smooth one & as painless as possible, and a willingness to let your loved one go lest your hesitance be a hindrance to his/her ride to God.
La, sometimes I wonder if you were scared when you knew that you were definitely going. Weeks and days before you go, we know you have anticipated it. In fact, it had already crossed your mind when you first got sick. We were told to prepare ourselves too and we discussed about it. We knew we had to be ready if & when it comes but still, no matter how we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally, the feeling when the time came just totally overwhelmed us and left us beaten and raw when we struggled to deal with it. We had difficulty letting you go. Who wouldn't be when they are in such a state? But let go, we did, for letting go was inevitable.
La, were you scared to let go, La? Were you scared when the Angel of Death came for you? Were you scared to be left lying alone in the soil? I know I would be. These are just random thoughts in my head. Really, they are just hypothetical as I know I can never get your answers. Rather, they are questions that I am really asking myself; How would it be when my time comes?
I've been praying for you, for our late grandfathers and grandmother, for our friends and family members who have left before us, and I pray that one day I will get to see all the departed beloved again. I want to be with you again, just like old times. But La, would it be possible, especially if you'll be in Heaven & I will not?
This reminds me of the doa taubat that we used to listen and sing along to over & over again. It never fails to make us feel remorse although we know that as days, months and years pass, we would err & sin. As it is, I'm trying to trudge along carefully so as to not step into too many potholes along this road. I'm still trying and slowly learning. Slowly but surely, insya'Allah.
I'm also reminded of a song that you loved by Ungu. I have never noticed the words in the song until after you were gone. It was about a person's thoughts on death & what would he do, say or think when death comes for him. Also, the other day, I heard Rabbani's song about a man's separation from the world. I have heard it countless times but due to your recent demise, it reminded me of you, and it was also a reminder to my own self - a picture of my death painted by the words of the song.
I'm being morbid, I know. And it wasn't brought on by your passing. I have, in fact, always been morbid but admittedly, it has been heightened after Atuk and you passed on.
I am supposed to be revising for my midterm exam
I miss you, La. Rest well tonight. I'll talk to you again soon.
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