La, I can't describe just how much I miss you and am feeling your loss. I felt it bad during the fasting month but worse during the first few days of it. Every little thing reminded me of you, of us when we were kids. The Maghrib prayer call reminded me of times when we broke our fast together as a family, the plate of rice reminded me of how you liked to eat your ice - with lots of soy sauce, the twinkling lights reminded me of how we used to challenge each other who would get to switch on the twinkling lights as soon as the azan is heard on radio, those moments when we contented ourselves by sitting right under the window just so we can look up to admire the beautiful twinkling lights. It was always you & me.
You were my companion. You were my sidekick. At times when we got bored playing, we would pretend that we were fighting just to get Mak's attention & fury, and then we would laugh at Mak when she started to scold us for fighting with each other. We always play such stupid jokes & Mak used to say that we sisters really had nothing better to do such that we had to pretend as though we were fighting. At night, when we refused to go to sleep early, we would wait 'til Mak & Abah were asleep before we started our nonsense. We would play-act, we would jump on our old bed, climb up our old cupboard & jump from the top of it & onto the bed, we would shout to our neighbourhood friends who lived in the opposite block because we knew they were not asleep too. We would always do these sorts of nonsense. And it was always you & me.
You were my caring sister. You were my guardian. When I was old enough for kindergarten, I was so scared that I would have to be in class without you. When I cried, you would comfort me & tell me how wonderful school would be & that I would not need you to be
The takbir reminded me that now I am without you. So does this song, a song that you liked when you were around. La, there's no more us. It's just me now. And it's just you over there.
I missed you badly during the first few days of Ramadhan but now that it's Hari Raya, I miss you even more. Throughout the course of the first day of Raya, I made sure I looked fine to everyone. I made sure that I didn't show my sadness, that I didn't show that I'm affected by your absence. I didn't think it was right to put up a sad face on such a happy and glorious day. As much as I try to be happy & not think of your absence, the few people whom I met earlier today reminded me of it. They reminded me that I'm now the eldest in the family. They reminded me that the responsibility of taking care of Mak & Abah is now mine. They reminded me that I have lost you & I have to be strong & patient. They reminded me of my loss & they reminded Mak & Abah of their loss. If you had seen us just now, La, you would be proud of us. We were calm and even smiled when others asked about you, your passing etc. We are a family of swans - graceful and calm on the surface but what goes on under the water is furious kicking and paddling to stay afloat. But La, Nenek was a different story.
It was heartbreaking to see Nenek cry today, La. This is her first Raya without Atuk & she is also short of one grandchild. She didn't smile today. She also didn't want to take photos because she was reminded that she always had Atuk by her side & Atuk used to joke with her to get her to smile or pose in the photos. It has been almost 10 months without him for her. And it has been 49 days without you. She has lost her husband & grandchild. I have lost Atuk & you. She misses her sidekick. I miss mine.
La, I'm supposed to have slept by now. I'll have to wake up at 6+ am & it's already 4:50 now. Our family's coming to visit you later, La. And I wouldn't have to tell you to wait up because you would have already been waiting for us.
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