It's too soon

La, it has been 40 days since you returned to Him.

People say that after one passes on, one's soul will still be around in the house for another 40 days and after the 40th day, one will leave the house. Is it true, La?

Were you really around this past month? Did you hear all the things that I spoke to you about those nights before I sleep? Were you beside me, La, as I was telling you all those things? And are you really leaving the house today? Would you be able to return to visit me? Would you return to visit Mak, Abah, Adam & your kids?

La, 40 days have passed too quickly. It's too soon. It is still not easy accepting the fact that I do not have an elder sister anymore. It hasn't been until recently that I realise that I am now the eldest and the only daughter. La, you usually have my back, and I have yours. Now, whose going to have my back when I need to?

Over the years, no matter what happened to either one of us, no matter how we quarrelled, no matter how we were caught up with our own activities, even if we were not staying together, we still get together to talk, to joke around, to share a laughter. And when you were in need, you would call me up & bother me. Sometimes, you were a nuisance. Just like at times I was a real nuisance to you too. But all siblings are nuisance, anyway. Even so, all siblings love one another. Just like how I love you & Adam very much.

La, do you know what's been happening in our household? Can you see & hear everything that's been happening here? I hope you are not upset with what's been happening. We are trying to work things out. The thing is, I don't know the reason why he's been acting that way.

And La, for quite a few nights, I haven't been talking to you. Not here, not before I sleep. Except last night. Were you waiting, La, to have our nightly conversations? Adik minta maaf, eh La. I have been too caught up with schoolwork. I've so many things to settle. My FYP's taking too much of my time. I really don't like school now.

La, if it is true that I can just say your name & you'll hear me from wherever you are, I shall continue to do so. I shall say your name & talk to you. Just like what I have been doing. And if you can see me typing all these entries all this while & you can read them, I shall continue to jot you an entry whenever I can. I'll do anything permissible and within my means to be able to talk to you. It's OK if you can't say it back to me. I am not expecting much. I know there are limitations.

And La, if you still can, even though it may be true that you are leaving the house after today, would you still come into my dreams if you can, La? I'd love to see you again. Whenever I see you in my dreams, it always makes my day.