Retrospective

La, Adik jumpa this old video of us fixing the wheel in the cage of the hamster that Ikhwan brought home. It was a very short video of barely a minute long. Its quality is quite bad and in the video, I could only see your hands, your fingers, the rings on your last two fingers. I wish I had taken a shot of your face when you were talking. Nevertheless the most important thing is the video captured your voice and your laughter. I cried when I heard your voice.

It's been a while, hasn't it? It's been a while since I last heard your voice, what more your laughter.

Adik rindu Zilla. Rindu sangat-sangat.

La, I dreamt of you yesterday. It was a sad dream because I dreamt that Irfan has been called upon to return to Him too. It was a big blow to all of us because we lost Irfan soon after losing you. And my heart cried for Ikhwan. He lost his only sibling after losing his mother. Thankfully it was just a bad dream. Kesian anak-anak kau, La. They only have each other. Their father only plays an "ad hoc" role in their lives. I doubt they see him once a month.

La, my birthday went by very quietly without any celebration. It was a very sad day. My birthday will always be a sad reminder of the day you got sick again.

I remembered in the early hours of my 25th birthday, you got so ill so suddenly and Mak, Abah and I were scrambling to get to your place as soon as we could. In those hours when everyone else was sound asleep. When we got there, Abah had to carry you off the bed. We took you back to our house and as it turned out, that was the last time you ever saw your house again.

My birthday marked the deterioration of your health. The downspiral of your life. The beginning of the end of your life. How could a humane person possibly have a happy birthday ever since then?

I'm not sad that I will never have a happy birthday again. I'm only sad because each year on my birthday I will be reminded of the day when I start losing the only sister I have. The one whom I love so dearly.

Allah taught me the greatness of love by giving me one mum, one dad, one sister and one brother. And He gave you two sons who are a legacy to your life. He gave us living reminders of you. How wise and how thoughtful He is. And He really does know it better than we will ever know.

I love you, La.

May He permit

Just how much can one miss another?
Is there ever a limit?

Just how much can one love another?
Can love surpass destiny?

Can love transcend boundaries?
Can love disregards absence?

I know faith in Allah will strengthen a fallen one.
I know belief in Allah will heal a broken one.

And I know my trust in Allah will bring me to a departed one.

One day.
We will meet again.
May Allah permit...

Of nights and thunderstorms

La, at night times like this, when the rain falls and a thunderstorm strikes, I can't help but think of you.

I can't help but wonder if the rain seeps through the soil, reaches you and cools you... I can't help but wonder if you are wet... I wonder if you welcome the coolness of the rain water drenching your body...

La, I wonder how you are. I wonder of your state there in the soil. Has nature been kind to you? Has it slowly begun its breaking down process? Are you still you?

So many thoughts go through my mind.

Yet all lead to just one thought - I hope God has kept you well and that you are resting in peace...

I love you, La.

Words can't describe how much I miss you. Right up to this day...

A year older no longer

La, it was your birthday, La.

8 April.

It was 080408 this year. A nice number pattern, don't you think, La?

But this date has no meaning to you anymore...

La, do you know that the birth of you had an impact on many people's lives?

Without you born, Abah & Mak wouldn't have had their firstborn - a gift from God that is most anticipated by all married couples wishing to start a family.

Without you born, Atuk & Nenek wouldn't have had their first female grandchild.

Without you born, I wouldn't have had a sister.

Without you born, there would have been no Irfan and Ikhwan - the sunshine of our lives.

Without you born, hundreds of people wouldn't be doing whatever they are doing now where ever they are because their encounter, interactions and/or friendship with you formed a part of their lives and no matter how minor that part is, it has altered their lives in one way or another.

As it turns out, every birth has an impact on the whole universe, and so did yours.



La, 'til today, the accessories that I gave you on your birthday last year still remain unused. You liked them a lot because they were in black and gold. You'd wanted to wear them for Raya, maybe not the danglies. But you never had the chance to wear them.

I shall keep them in pristine condition, La. So that every year, on the day that I used to celebrate with you, I can look back in retrospect upon the last birthday gift that I had ever given my one and only sister.

I love you, La. I miss you.

Do accept my gift to you - a prayer filled with love and smeared with tears...

Irfan had a high fever

La, Irfan sakit for a few days. Whenever he gets a fever, everyone gets worried. It was so pitiful... He couldn't sleep well for a few nights and his temperature kept fluctuating. I wondered if he was missing you badly when he was sick.

I kept checking on him at night because I was worried about him. I pasted the cool patch on him although it kept peeling off, I wiped his whole body gently with damp cloth, hoping to be able to bring the temperature down and make him more comfortable, and I stroked his hair with water, occasionally stroking his scalp, like how you used to do when you lulled him to sleep when he was an infant. I tried to emulate the things that you used to do to comfort him.

La, I quietly whispered to you when I was by his side. Could you hear me? I asked if you would be able to visit him because he was sick. I don't know if you could... I knew God heard me but... I don't know if you were able to.

Whatever it is, I know that as his mum, you would want him to be well. You would want him to have a good, undisturbed night's sleep. You would want to do whatever you can to get him well. And I know God knows that too. I'm sure He heard your prayers from wherever you are.

Irfan is well now. I hope you are at ease to know that.

You just rest there in peace, ok, La? We'll take care of your kids for you.

It must have been you

La, did you come to me the night when I was not feeling well?

Did you come to me that fateful night when I cried before I slept?

Did you come because I told you how much I missed you?

Was it you who stroked my hair and made me feel at ease?

It should have been you.

No one else could have been in my room that night.

My door was locked.

Peaceful slumber

I asked you: "La, where have you been?"

And you answered: "Nowhere. It's just that I have been asleep all this while."

Indeed. Indeed you have.

And indeed you are.


Sleep well, dear sis.

Missing piece

La, there are so many things I want to ask you, to tell you, to share with you, to show you... I wish I can tell you all of these whenever I see you in my dreams. Unfortunately, I can't.

I wanted to show you my hair after the impulse haircut I had and see your reactions but I can't.

I wanted to bitch with you about all the things that stress me out such that I decided to have that haircut but I can't.

I wanted to share with you the happiness of the success of my FYP event but I can't.

I wanted to show you the coverage we got in the local papers but I can't.

I wanted to ask you about how you felt many years ago when you were about to get married but I can't.

I wanted to ask for your opinion if I should get married and if I do, when do you think is the best time for me to get married but I can't.

I wanted to ask you if marriage scared you but I can't.

There are things that one can only share with one's mum, there are things that one can only share with one's brother, and there are other things that one can only share with one's sister. And that's where the missing piece is.

And I can't get it back.

Mundane early Feb with too much work to do

La, it was Mak's birthday just now and today it's Ikhwan's.

We didn't do anything collectively as a family. I had the intention to bake them a birthday cake but procrastination and sleep deprivation got the better of me.

Mak spent her birthday massaging some ladies, one at home at noon and another in Cle.men.ti in the late afternoon. Following that, she spent some quality time with Abah outside.

Irfan and Ikhwan were brought out by their aunt's family to celebrate Ikhwan's birthday. Your sons told me they went to the new T3. They had a great time celebrating Ikhwan's birthday with the cousins at the new airport terminal. Ikhwan brought home some presents.

I spent the whole day at home. Something I haven't had the chance to do in a while.

I know today's entry is rather mundane. It's exactly how I am feeling.

I am caught up with so much work and the past week hadn't been a good one. I broke down two nights in a row, didn't have the chance to have proper night's rest and when I had the chance to nap, I had recurring dreams of my unfinished work. And now, when I am supposed to complete my work, I am distracted and so I decided to talk to you.

I hadn't had the chance to visit you lately and I miss you.

I just hope that this week's long weekend will present me with the opportunity to visit you, La. I keep having dreams of us in my sleep that I felt very sure that God has indeed given us a second chance to be together again as a family.

Looking forward to the end of the week. I'll make up for Mak's & Ikhwan's birthday once I get my work done. *exhales deep breath*

Silence is the sound of disbelief

La, one of your friends called up looking for you earlier today.

When the guy said your name on the phone, I thought I heard it wrong. I was thinking perhaps he meant to say my name but he mispronounced it and it sounded like yours instead. I got him to repeat it twice. He didn't say the wrong name afterall. He was, indeed, looking for you.

I told him. About you. And that I was sorry to break the news to him. It rendered him silent. It was the "sound" of shock and disbelief.

I asked for his name. He said it's K/o/j/i. I remembered you mentioned him to me once before so I told him. He told me that he had been overseas for a while and since he's back in Singapore, he'd look you up. He told me that he used to be close to you at work and that he wasn't that close with the rest. He wanted to catch up. Only to find out there's no more you to catch up with. He was genuinely shocked.

He asked about your kids, how they are getting along. He was concerned if they would be able to take the blow. Ironically, your kids were making a ruckus in the background. :)

He left me his mobile number so that I can contact him should the kids need anything. I would not impose on him but out of courtesy and to respect him for his good wishes, I noted it down. He said he would do anything should the kids need any help. It was the least he could do in honour of you.

I apologised to him for not being able to contact him to inform of your demise. He apologised to me for not knowing and for calling up asking for you. We are both sorry you are not here. Here to pick up the call. Here to meet up with him and catch up on old times. Here to be with us.

Five months. And there are many out there who still do not know.

Five months. And we still feel your absence.

Passing the 5 months mark

150 days came and went.

Today marks the 155th day.

La, each day, I am closer to being with you. Well, not exactly be in the same place and same destination as you though.

You're in a different spot and I believe you will be in a different place when the time comes. You'll be in heaven while my final destination is still unknown.

La, kadang-kadang Adik terlalu rindukan Zilla. Entahlah, La. Aren't I supposed to be stronger as the days go by?

My friend's dad passed away a few days ago. She had already lost her mother years ago and now she lost her dad. He had cancer, La. Just like you. Although it was a different form of cancer. Kesian dia, La. She's 22 and she's the eldest child. One younger brother is in NS and her youngest brother is just about to be enlisted. She's in her third year in NTU now and she already has to fend for herself and her brothers. Kesiankan dia, La?

Cancer robs a person of his or her loved ones. Cancer robs a soul all the time. Cancer takes away a family's happiness. However, I know, La, that Allah has a reason for creating it. Sometimes, it is how redemption is presented to a person. Also, it is a test of faith for some people like me - how much faith do we have in Him?

La, I don't blame cancer and I don't blame Him for taking you away. I do blame those people for hurting you and making you suffer while you are already hurting. I know Allah took you away so that you will stop hurting. He took your pain away eternally. I do wish though that my pain eases away. I don't want to forget you, I still want to see you in my dreams since I can't have you alive, but the pain...

I'll work on it...

I'll work on being more mechanical. With less emotions.

Cold and empty

La, wouldn't it be great if I can devoid myself of all emotions? So that I can let go of anyone close to me with ease.

I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the loss. I don't want to feel the longing. I don't want to reminisce.

I just want to live life mechanically.

I don't want any emotional baggage. Emotional burden.

I don't want to care.

I want to be cold.

I want to be hard and cold.

Do you think that's possible, La?

I need to be hard and cold now.

I need to be empty.

This shall be me in this new year.

It's Muharram, La. A new year for us. It's about migration, isn't it? And a change from bad to good. From weak to strong. And I, La, shall be strong.

New year, same sadness

I was doing my work in this very late hour, in fact I was pretty deep into my work. So much to do. Yet, even in this busy moment, I was reminded of you. Suddenly you came into my mind.

And because I'm working on my laptop, instinctively I took a look at the photo that I saved on my desktop - a photo of us together, having a whale of time at a karaoke session.

Usually, I will either smile or get melancholic looking at the photo. This time, my tears fell like they have been there all along, in the dam of my eyes, just waiting for the moment when I would open the barge.

I missed you so so much, La.

I'm so sorry, La. I'm so sorry.

I hope God sends you the Al-Fatihah I recited especially for you moments ago. I hope He grants me my prayers.

I'm feeling better now as I type this out.

I'll get through this...