They keep on falling...

Backlog
Dated: 1 Sep 07
Time: 2.48AM

La, it has been 7 days since you passed on and there hasn't been a day that I haven't shed a tear.

I know you wouldn't like to see me sad all the time but it is so hard to not think of you and miss you.

You played such a major role in my life, in shaping the person that I am today. I am who I am because of Mak, Abah, you, Adam and other beloved ones, as well as the different experiences that life has presented to me. You were part of it all, so how can I possibly let go of you in just a matter of days?

I know I have to look forward and into the future but it is so hard to do without you in it.

I was with Shafiq earlier and I purposely tried to keep my mind off you, especially as the time approached 12.15am. Unfortunately, we had difficulty getting a cab to get home before midnight because it was the "bewitching hour" where suddenly there would be no vacant cabs even though many were still on the road, pretending to be busy. So there he was trying to flag a cab while I sat at the steps of the overhead bridge, trying not to look at my watch. However, even if I didn't want to look at it, I know what time it was. One week ago, at that same time, we were all by your side and you were barely with us anymore. One week ago, at 12.15am, you were no longer with us.

I cried openly in the cab. I didn't care if the cab driver was listening to my conversation with Shafiq or if he even understood what we were talking about. Shafiq said to me that I would have to take things slowly and to be patient as time will slowly help me cope with it. Just as time had helped him accept his sister's passing. But La, one week had gone by and yet that one week did not ease this pain and could not take my mind off you.

La, I wonder how life would be from now on. I wonder if you will still be by my side whenever I need you. I wonder if you can really hear me & listen to all the things that I have said to you the past few nights and the things that I want to tell you. I wonder if you can see me type all these & read all the things that I have typed here for you. I wonder about a lot of things, La.

And as these thoughts run through my mind, as I reminisce our times together, as I recall your smile and your laughter, these tears run down my cheeks. These tears fall and they keep on falling...