Was it really you?

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Dated: 30 Aug 2007
Time: 5:47PM

La, yesterday when I finally wanted to sleep, in a proper state, in a proper position, I couldn't.

I wanted to talk to you so badly that I decided to just say it all out, hoping that you are there beside me, listening to everything that I wanted to say to you. Nevermind if I could not see you. I just wanted to talk to you. I could not contain the sadness in me. I had to speak to you and so I did.

I spoke to you about everything. It wasn't hard to as everything was ready to burst out from within me. I told you how sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream, that you are still here with me, with Mak, Abah and your kids. I told you how sad I was to be told by Mak & Abah yesterday that we will have to vacate your house by this weekend and that they were over at your place, packing your stuff and whatever they could. I told you how I wish it was possible for me & you to be back in the house, to watch whatever that's shown on the Indonesian channels in the middle of the night together, and then retreat to sleep in the same room. I cried so much. I cried so much that it wore me out such that I cried myself to sleep.

In my sleep, I had a dream that I was in our old house but I was in the living room, sharing some good laughs with Shafiq. After that (still in the dream), I decided to go into Adam's old room. I was walking past the room that we used to share and then I see you coming out of the room, just about to shut the door behind you. Even in the dream, I was surprised to see you. I said: "La!" You turned and you smiled as soon as you saw me. It was such a sweet smile. :)

In the dream, you weren't skinny; you were just right. Just like how you were previously before you got ill. And you had shoulder-length hair. Just like it was before you got ill. You had it tied and your ponytail was on your right shoulder as you turned to face me. You were wearing a baju kurung.

I asked you to come along into Adam's old room with me and you did. Instead of Adam's bed, there was our old bed, the one with the big spring mattress that we used to love to jump on all the time, in the middle of the room. We both lied down and I said to you: "Adik tau La nak bantal merah ni kan? Adik taknak bagi..." (In English: "I know you want this red pillow. I don't want to give it to you...") In jest, I then proceeded to hug that red pillow and throw you a green pillow instead. But a split second later, I gave you the red pillow and you took it, smiling, and you hugged it so tight. We went on to have a mini pillow fight - more of jostling the pillows at each other - and I had fun. You were smiling broadly throughout but you never uttered a word. Somehow after that, it hit me. In the dream, I asked myself: "Is this real?" Immediately after that, I woke up.

I lost you. I couldn't get back in to the dream. I couldn't play with you again.

La, was it you? Did you come into my dream because I keep wanting to see you again? Did you let me see you because I was too saddened yesterday because I didn't get to visit you as planned and I didn't want to give your house up?

I really hope it was you. Perhaps you felt so sorry for me so you visited me by appearing in my dream.

Oh, I really wish it was you, La.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful to You, dear Allah, for letting me see my sister (or an image of her) in my dream. It did help to ease the longing albeit just mildly. But I'm thankful, nevertheless.

Thank You, God. Thank you, Zilla.