He cried... and they did too, silently

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Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 4:49am

La, I went to your house just now. I was missing the house and I was missing you so much that I just had to go there.

While I was there, everything that I saw and touched reminded me of you and those times we spent in the house together. Our night sharing sessions, the ridiculous things that we did, talked and laughed about in the wee hours of the night.

While I was in your room, I was reminded of those times when I took so many photos of you, as you laid on that Strawberry Shortcake linen-covered bed of yours. You were so high on endorphins that after Mak called you on your mobile (I even took photos of you while you were answering her call), you pretended that the Strawberry Shortcake on your bed linen could talk and you put your mobile by its mouth, and you mimicked its voice. :D

Recalling such memories make me happy but they also served to remind me that I do not have the opportunity to create new memories of you and with you.

I didn't want to dwell on that too much while I was there. I switched on the hi-fi and played a CD of prayers to fill the house with good vibes. I made sure that Yaasin was recited a few times before I had to leave the house. I also stood in front of your cupboard and looked through your clothes. It was just a random thing I did to remind myself of you. Seeing, touching and feeling your clothes helped.

When I got home, everyone was asleep except Adam. I told him about my visit to your house & then he started talking to me, opening up to me.

He recalled the events that took place the day before you were fated to go, from the things that he did in the afternoon after work, how he felt that whole day, the SMS that Mak sent him that night, the thoughts that ran in his head while he was making his way home, how he could not bear to look at you & be so near you moments before you go because he would cry a river, to how his tears just flowed so uncontrollably when he was going to kiss you moments after you were gone.

We also shared some tears as we recalled the things you & I used to subject him to when he was small. Remember how we dressed him up as a girl to force him to play along with us although he was hesitant to? Remember our Cinderguitar? Of course, when we were so young, we didn't know that 'cinder' meant ashes and burnt whatever, and that we should have named him Guitarella instead. You know what he said, La? If you were here in my room, sitting with us & listening to our conversation, you would have heard him say that if he knew you would go so soon, he would have allowed us to doll him up & turn him into Cinderguitar everyday, even in our twenties, if it makes us happy. I laughed at the absurdity of the thought but I tear-ed as well at the suggestion of his words.

Such was the revelation and the things that I learnt about him yesterday. It was a rare moment as he confided in me his feelings and his thoughts. He said that he really missed you, La. He said that one night, as he was missing you, it occurred to him that if he was missing you that much such that he couldn't contain his tears, he asked himself how much worse I must be feeling because I was closer to you and that you were my companion as we were growing up.

His sensibility moved me. I was stunned by his words and his caring thoughts. I was rendered silent for a moment as I contemplated the statement.

I didn't say anything to that. It was hypothetical. It needed no confirmation or denial. What I know is that we all miss you, and there's no way to quantify or to define the magnitude of the loss that we are feeling. Although I could reciprocate by posing him the next hypothetical question - how much worse does he think Mak & Abah are feeling - but I didn't.

La, I'm sure you get a lot of prayers from Mak & Abah. I see them immersing themselves in prayers. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the sadness; by channelling it into something good. Especially Abah. He prays & recites the Surahs all the time. It is rare not to see him kneeling on his prayer mat, submitting himself to God, confiding his feelings in Him or with his palms upturned, praying to Him for His mercy, His help and comfort. Mak, whenever she's not praying, she'll busy herself with housework or the kids. You'll never see her idling.

Such are our parents, La. And such is our kid brother who has grown up and matured. :)

La, if you may, do visit them often, k? Or if you're still around, as people say, I'm sure you're praying along with them for His blessings and comfort. I'm sure. Because you have always been sensible like that.