Oh, she'll be back

La, did you receive our prayers?

We had a kenduri tahlil for you and Atuk yesterday. Guess what, La. Atuk has left us for a year. Yeah, a year already. And you, you have left us for more than 4 months. 127 days today, to be precised.

I had a dream of you. Again I dreamt that you aren't gone, that you're still around. I guess deep down I want you to be around.

La, although I have been living my life without you for months now and that previously, I had been used to not having you around all the time, I got thinking the other night about how I have been coping all along. I realised that subconsciously I've been telling myself that this is just temporary and that I will see you again. It's as though I have been telling myself: "Oh, she'll be back. Like she always do." I had been so used to expecting to see you again after you've been away for some period of time that I continue to do that subconsciously. I don't know if that's the way I cope. It's like I half-expect to see you at home one of these days.

I really do wonder how others do this. Do this coping business. Because I am doing it the only way my mind knows how. By deceiving myself.

La, how can one so vivacious, so loud, so bubbly, so spirited like you be taken away so soon? Had you been someone who was quiet, boring and so forgettable, I guess it would probably be easier for me to not think of you so often. But you're not. I mean you were not. I see you laughing, joking, singing, dancing in my mind. You're so alive. I do wonder, La, how can someone so alive like you be... I don't like to use the d-word. You know what I'm trying to say.

It is not that I want to fight fate and destiny. I just wonder that's all.

However, I do realise that God has other plans for you and I. He'd rather keep you on His side so that others will not hurt you anymore. So that you will no longer suffer. You will no longer feel the worldly pain. I'm sure He'll make you happy. He is just and fair like that. I believe so. And I know so.

All because of his birthday

It's been a while since I talked wrote to you, La. I have been trying not to think of you as much as before. Even though my exams are over and I am having my December break now, I am still very much occupied, thanks to final year project. Everyday I am doing FYP stuff such that I am not liking it. It is taking too much of my time. And worst still, it does not help to take my mind off you.

La, it was Adam's birthday two days ago. I bet you are aware of that still. I don't know, I guess you do. It's just that you can't do anything about it, that's all.

Anyway, it was his birthday and the mood was sombre although Ikhwan could not contain his excitement and he blurted "Happy Birthday Adam!" a day early. Well, actually it was a few hours early as he said it at night, as soon as Adam stepped into the house after a day's work. Yes, anak kau tu memang excited sangat, La. Macam dia yang birthday. Tapi dah kata Ikhwan. Kau tau lah anak kau tu. He even told his uncle what presents have been bought for him, killing the surprise and excitement of opening his presents. Tsk tsk... Ikhwan Ikhwan...

So, La, our kid brother is all grown up now. 22. No longer a kid, a year into officially being an adult, no excuses to be kiddish anymore. And I baked him cupcakes, with coffee cream cheese and plain cream cheese frosting that decorated the top of the cupcakes. He loved my cupcakes. So did everyone, especially your kids because I decorated some for them too, with the letters of their names. You would have liked them too. You used to love my bakes, especially my meringues. Kan, La? :)

Do you remember, La, when we celebrated birthdays with our family? Whose ever birthday it was, Mak would bake a cake and all gifts would be wrapped in the same wrapping paper but in different ways, courtesy of Mak's creativity. Some shaped like a big wrapped candy, some shaped like shirts, complete with collars, others with a folded paper fan stuck to the front or at any one of the corners, and others shaped and decorated in many other ways, all depending on the inspiration that struck her while she was wrapping all those gifts. She even wrapped a badminton racket, remember? :)

Fond memories, ya?

Such memories, in the beginning they'll make me happy as I reminisce but without fail, they'll make me cry in sadness at the thought of your absence. Why, oh why, am I still so affected by your absence?

I'm trying, La. I am. I am still trying. Oh God, I am.

Sometimes I think I'm not made for this. This heartache thing. This loss of beloved family member thing. I can handle a breakup, I can get over a breakup, I can stop loving other people but I can't stop loving a few people. Really beloved people. People who matter most to me. People like you. People like Mak and Abah. How am I supposed to live through the days when the time comes for Mak and Abah to go?

I can't imagine how it'll be for me. Losing you is already too much to take. I'm still holding on, still alive, ya, but I have this great sadness in me now. One that I will have to bear for the rest of my life. How, I wonder, will I be able to bear more sadness in future when other loved ones leave me? Will He then take my life because He knows I will not be able to take too much pain? Or will He let me live through them all because He knows that I am in fact much stronger than I think I am?

Only Allah knows best. And I put my fate in His hands. For really, I cannot... I cannot imagine how my fate will be.

-------

And where do all these words and thoughts come from? All because of Adam's birthday. It propagated all those memories and thoughts. All because of his birthday...

What do you call 100 days if 100 years is a century?

It's been 100 days, La. Seems like it's a lot of days. No matter how many days it has been, it still feels like it was just yesterday.

The wound is still raw.

The pain is still there.

The tears still fall.

The heart still yearns...

Moments are all I have now. Moments when you come into my mind. Moments where my heart says I'm going to see you later when I get home or I'm going to send you an SMS to tell you what just comes to mind and so on, only to realise a second later that I will not be able to that.

Yeh, I still get those moments. Maybe it's one of those post-whatever effect.

Random thoughts

Sometimes, I'm hit by random thoughts of wanting to send you an SMS to tell you something, only to recall in the next second that you aren't around for me to send an SMS to.

At other times, I feel like calling you but the next moment I remembered that I am not able to call you anymore.

Occasionally, when I'm on my way home, I'd say to myself I've got to share the story with you when I reach home, only to realise that you will not be at home when I get there.

La, at times, I forgot that you're no longer here.

It's like I have memory lapses and I forgot the reality although I'm living in reality. It's scary.

It's saddening.

I feel like I'm one of those old people who have Alzheimer's and forgot that their husband or wife or child has passed away. You know how sometimes they would happily form thoughts of wanting to share a piece of news with the lost one, only to realise that they can't? I feel like one of them, La.

I dreamt of you today but again, it isn't one of those dreams but just one of those dreams.

I don't even remember now what I dreamt.

That is sad.

I still can't do it

I thought I would never dream of you again after your 40th day but I did. I had a couple of dreams about you but not of you.

Now, when I do see you in my dreams, I do not see you as though you're alive and here in front of my eyes, where I can see you, every detail of you, but all I get are some scenes of the past or a mixed-up mashed-up product of my memories of you.

It's like watching a scene from a film that we recorded in the past. Moments when you were sick and I was caring for you, the last few nights I spent with you, your cries of pain and the pain I feel when I watch you in pain. Not sweet memories. No smiles.

I miss dreaming of you. I miss seeing you alive, happy and vivid in my dreams.

I am missing you.

I know there's no way I can get you back and I guess there's no way I can meet you in my dreams again.

Getting past the days

La, your 60th day came and went.

For everyone else, it was just a day, like other days. For us, it's a milestone.

It's a reminder of how far we have been without you, it's a mark of how far we have progressed. For some of us, it is a progress. For others, it is still a hurdle to get over.

He said I've got to learn to let go. Haven't I let you go? Didn't I? I know I did when you had to be taken away from us. I did. I did let you go. And God be my witness, I did let go.

He said once I've learnt to let go, I'll be able to move on. Haven't I moved on? I'm not fixated on the warped idea of bringing you back to life and I know am certain that you are in a better place and that you'll end up in the best place ever. And I'm living my life, aren't I? I am moving ahead, going through the tomorrows of my life. So I am moving on.

He said I can only be stronger if I let go. Am I not stronger now? Haven't I walk the past 60 days on my own without falling? Never mind the tears. They are just like the rain; it can't be sunny all year round.

And just like there's nothing wrong with the rain that peppers the days of the week, there's nothing wrong with the tears that accompanies the nights.

"Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
Everyone goes away
I will stay...

Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
Everyday there comes the sun
With the dawn..."

Maybe it's true

Maybe what they say is true. That the soul leaves the house after the 40th day. Because I don't "feel" you around anymore. And I haven't dreamt of you ever since.

La, I'm terribly missing you. Adik rindu Zilla...

It isn't the same

La, I can't describe just how much I miss you and am feeling your loss. I felt it bad during the fasting month but worse during the first few days of it. Every little thing reminded me of you, of us when we were kids. The Maghrib prayer call reminded me of times when we broke our fast together as a family, the plate of rice reminded me of how you liked to eat your ice - with lots of soy sauce, the twinkling lights reminded me of how we used to challenge each other who would get to switch on the twinkling lights as soon as the azan is heard on radio, those moments when we contented ourselves by sitting right under the window just so we can look up to admire the beautiful twinkling lights. It was always you & me.

You were my companion. You were my sidekick. At times when we got bored playing, we would pretend that we were fighting just to get Mak's attention & fury, and then we would laugh at Mak when she started to scold us for fighting with each other. We always play such stupid jokes & Mak used to say that we sisters really had nothing better to do such that we had to pretend as though we were fighting. At night, when we refused to go to sleep early, we would wait 'til Mak & Abah were asleep before we started our nonsense. We would play-act, we would jump on our old bed, climb up our old cupboard & jump from the top of it & onto the bed, we would shout to our neighbourhood friends who lived in the opposite block because we knew they were not asleep too. We would always do these sorts of nonsense. And it was always you & me.

You were my caring sister. You were my guardian. When I was old enough for kindergarten, I was so scared that I would have to be in class without you. When I cried, you would comfort me & tell me how wonderful school would be & that I would not need you to be around beside me at all times but I would insist. And you would relent. When some naughty kids bullied me & destroyed my kiddy artwork, you put up a brave front & you scolded them. You always protected me. After school, when we have time to play before returning home, we would run around & chase each other. Most of the time we didn't bother including other kids because we found some of them rather pesky. So it always just you & me. Just us, La.

The takbir reminded me that now I am without you. So does this song, a song that you liked when you were around. La, there's no more us. It's just me now. And it's just you over there.

I missed you badly during the first few days of Ramadhan but now that it's Hari Raya, I miss you even more. Throughout the course of the first day of Raya, I made sure I looked fine to everyone. I made sure that I didn't show my sadness, that I didn't show that I'm affected by your absence. I didn't think it was right to put up a sad face on such a happy and glorious day. As much as I try to be happy & not think of your absence, the few people whom I met earlier today reminded me of it. They reminded me that I'm now the eldest in the family. They reminded me that the responsibility of taking care of Mak & Abah is now mine. They reminded me that I have lost you & I have to be strong & patient. They reminded me of my loss & they reminded Mak & Abah of their loss. If you had seen us just now, La, you would be proud of us. We were calm and even smiled when others asked about you, your passing etc. We are a family of swans - graceful and calm on the surface but what goes on under the water is furious kicking and paddling to stay afloat. But La, Nenek was a different story.

It was heartbreaking to see Nenek cry today, La. This is her first Raya without Atuk & she is also short of one grandchild. She didn't smile today. She also didn't want to take photos because she was reminded that she always had Atuk by her side & Atuk used to joke with her to get her to smile or pose in the photos. It has been almost 10 months without him for her. And it has been 49 days without you. She has lost her husband & grandchild. I have lost Atuk & you. She misses her sidekick. I miss mine.

La, I'm supposed to have slept by now. I'll have to wake up at 6+ am & it's already 4:50 now. Our family's coming to visit you later, La. And I wouldn't have to tell you to wait up because you would have already been waiting for us.

Morbid

La, I managed to catch a Malay drama on TV earlier & its last scene was of a sick mother's last moment with her three children. The long-suffering mother was dying of cancer.

Watching the scene reminded me of the time when you passed on, La. Those people were just acting and they cried buckets. If it happens to them for real, I think I know just how heart-wrenching it would really be. To witness your loved one moving on to the Hereafter and yet all that you can offer are your tears, prayers to God for Him to make the journey for your loved one a smooth one & as painless as possible, and a willingness to let your loved one go lest your hesitance be a hindrance to his/her ride to God.

La, sometimes I wonder if you were scared when you knew that you were definitely going. Weeks and days before you go, we know you have anticipated it. In fact, it had already crossed your mind when you first got sick. We were told to prepare ourselves too and we discussed about it. We knew we had to be ready if & when it comes but still, no matter how we prepared ourselves mentally and emotionally, the feeling when the time came just totally overwhelmed us and left us beaten and raw when we struggled to deal with it. We had difficulty letting you go. Who wouldn't be when they are in such a state? But let go, we did, for letting go was inevitable.

La, were you scared to let go, La? Were you scared when the Angel of Death came for you? Were you scared to be left lying alone in the soil? I know I would be. These are just random thoughts in my head. Really, they are just hypothetical as I know I can never get your answers. Rather, they are questions that I am really asking myself; How would it be when my time comes?

I've been praying for you, for our late grandfathers and grandmother, for our friends and family members who have left before us, and I pray that one day I will get to see all the departed beloved again. I want to be with you again, just like old times. But La, would it be possible, especially if you'll be in Heaven & I will not?

This reminds me of the doa taubat that we used to listen and sing along to over & over again. It never fails to make us feel remorse although we know that as days, months and years pass, we would err & sin. As it is, I'm trying to trudge along carefully so as to not step into too many potholes along this road. I'm still trying and slowly learning. Slowly but surely, insya'Allah.

I'm also reminded of a song that you loved by Ungu. I have never noticed the words in the song until after you were gone. It was about a person's thoughts on death & what would he do, say or think when death comes for him. Also, the other day, I heard Rabbani's song about a man's separation from the world. I have heard it countless times but due to your recent demise, it reminded me of you, and it was also a reminder to my own self - a picture of my death painted by the words of the song.

I'm being morbid, I know. And it wasn't brought on by your passing. I have, in fact, always been morbid but admittedly, it has been heightened after Atuk and you passed on.

I am supposed to be revising for my midterm exam tomorrow later & I have an early morning meeting with a corporate partner before school so clearly I should be spending my time revising or sleeping, but as usual, my thoughts at night would always be of you. And unless I let it out, I would not be able to concentrate on my revision or sleep.

I miss you, La. Rest well tonight. I'll talk to you again soon.

It's too soon

La, it has been 40 days since you returned to Him.

People say that after one passes on, one's soul will still be around in the house for another 40 days and after the 40th day, one will leave the house. Is it true, La?

Were you really around this past month? Did you hear all the things that I spoke to you about those nights before I sleep? Were you beside me, La, as I was telling you all those things? And are you really leaving the house today? Would you be able to return to visit me? Would you return to visit Mak, Abah, Adam & your kids?

La, 40 days have passed too quickly. It's too soon. It is still not easy accepting the fact that I do not have an elder sister anymore. It hasn't been until recently that I realise that I am now the eldest and the only daughter. La, you usually have my back, and I have yours. Now, whose going to have my back when I need to?

Over the years, no matter what happened to either one of us, no matter how we quarrelled, no matter how we were caught up with our own activities, even if we were not staying together, we still get together to talk, to joke around, to share a laughter. And when you were in need, you would call me up & bother me. Sometimes, you were a nuisance. Just like at times I was a real nuisance to you too. But all siblings are nuisance, anyway. Even so, all siblings love one another. Just like how I love you & Adam very much.

La, do you know what's been happening in our household? Can you see & hear everything that's been happening here? I hope you are not upset with what's been happening. We are trying to work things out. The thing is, I don't know the reason why he's been acting that way.

And La, for quite a few nights, I haven't been talking to you. Not here, not before I sleep. Except last night. Were you waiting, La, to have our nightly conversations? Adik minta maaf, eh La. I have been too caught up with schoolwork. I've so many things to settle. My FYP's taking too much of my time. I really don't like school now.

La, if it is true that I can just say your name & you'll hear me from wherever you are, I shall continue to do so. I shall say your name & talk to you. Just like what I have been doing. And if you can see me typing all these entries all this while & you can read them, I shall continue to jot you an entry whenever I can. I'll do anything permissible and within my means to be able to talk to you. It's OK if you can't say it back to me. I am not expecting much. I know there are limitations.

And La, if you still can, even though it may be true that you are leaving the house after today, would you still come into my dreams if you can, La? I'd love to see you again. Whenever I see you in my dreams, it always makes my day.

One month

La, it has been 30 days since you passed on, La.

God has been kind and time has been filled with lots of school work to occupy me and keep my mind busy. Even so, my heart is still missing you.

La, I dreamt of you again yesterday.

It was your funeral.

You had been carried to the vehicle that was to bring you to the cemetery. In the dream, when I approached you after you were placed in the vehicle, you were not in a coffin and you were not covered in the white shroud. It didn't strike me as strange in the dream. It seemed normal.

I stood outside the vehicle, peering at you through the window and said my salaam to you. Upon hearing my salaam, you opened your eyes. It did not occur to me in the dream that you should not be able to open your eyes. In fact, you spoke to me. Following that, I went in and sat beside you.

We spoke. Once while we were talking, I held your head up so that I could adjust the pillow under your head so that you'd be more comfortable. You also asked me to paste medicated plasters on your back because you were having backache. It was just like those times when I would sit by your bedside and help you adjust your body position, help you with your medication or clean you up, feed you or to simply have our daily conversations. I placed those medicated plasters on your back and we continued talking.

In the dream, you were not as thin as you were before you passed on. You were just nice, not too thin, not too fleshy. Just like you were in my previous dreams of you.

I knew you were no longer alive because we spoke and discuss about death and what comes after it. You said: "Aku takut lah, Na." (In Eng: "I'm scared, Na.") And I told you I'm scared to. You said that was because I have yet to go through the test. I know you meant that I have not experienced death yet, and thus that explains why I was afraid. And I also know that you didn't mean that you are scared of death or what comes after it when you said were afraid, rather, you were worried for us, the living. The ones whom you have left behind. The ones who are vulnerable to the evildoings of those who are misled and those who forgot that they are not as powerful as they think they are and that they are afterall God's creation.

Dear Allah, we seek protection and help from You, for You are the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful and the Most Knowledgeable. No one is as powerful or is more powerful than You, Dear Almighty. For You are the One that created us and the whole universe.

Dear Allah, I pray may You place my sis in peace and in Your Heavens, along with the holy men and women. I pray may You forgive all her sins as well the sins of the people who have left before us. I pray may there be light that shines on her as she rests in Your soil. I pray may You bless her soul and ease her worries, if she is worried about us, for we place our lives in Your hands and our faith in You.

They keep on falling...

Backlog
Dated: 1 Sep 07
Time: 2.48AM

La, it has been 7 days since you passed on and there hasn't been a day that I haven't shed a tear.

I know you wouldn't like to see me sad all the time but it is so hard to not think of you and miss you.

You played such a major role in my life, in shaping the person that I am today. I am who I am because of Mak, Abah, you, Adam and other beloved ones, as well as the different experiences that life has presented to me. You were part of it all, so how can I possibly let go of you in just a matter of days?

I know I have to look forward and into the future but it is so hard to do without you in it.

I was with Shafiq earlier and I purposely tried to keep my mind off you, especially as the time approached 12.15am. Unfortunately, we had difficulty getting a cab to get home before midnight because it was the "bewitching hour" where suddenly there would be no vacant cabs even though many were still on the road, pretending to be busy. So there he was trying to flag a cab while I sat at the steps of the overhead bridge, trying not to look at my watch. However, even if I didn't want to look at it, I know what time it was. One week ago, at that same time, we were all by your side and you were barely with us anymore. One week ago, at 12.15am, you were no longer with us.

I cried openly in the cab. I didn't care if the cab driver was listening to my conversation with Shafiq or if he even understood what we were talking about. Shafiq said to me that I would have to take things slowly and to be patient as time will slowly help me cope with it. Just as time had helped him accept his sister's passing. But La, one week had gone by and yet that one week did not ease this pain and could not take my mind off you.

La, I wonder how life would be from now on. I wonder if you will still be by my side whenever I need you. I wonder if you can really hear me & listen to all the things that I have said to you the past few nights and the things that I want to tell you. I wonder if you can see me type all these & read all the things that I have typed here for you. I wonder about a lot of things, La.

And as these thoughts run through my mind, as I reminisce our times together, as I recall your smile and your laughter, these tears run down my cheeks. These tears fall and they keep on falling...

Your clothes and mine

Backlog
Dated: 31 Aug 07
Time: 4:28PM

La, yesterday Mak asked me to unpack your clothes that she has brought back from your house and keep them in the wardrobe.

As I did so, La, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of sadness a couple of times. I was repeatedly reminded of you as I fold away your clothes. I remembered you wore this piece on this day, that piece on that day, you bought this piece when I was out shopping with you, I bought you that top and so on.

Now, there would be no you to wear those clothes.

I don't know if you noticed, La, if you are able to see me, that is. That I have taken to wearing your clothes. It's just a physical way of me trying to make myself feel better about everything. To make me feel you more. Sort of.

Is it crazy, La? To be doing this? To be wearing your clothes, whichever that I can fit in? Don't be sniggering at me if you think it's silly, ok La? Just let me be. Anyway, it's not unusual for me to wear your clothes and you wear mine. The only difference now is that you will no longer be wearing mine.

Was it really you?

Backlog
Dated: 30 Aug 2007
Time: 5:47PM

La, yesterday when I finally wanted to sleep, in a proper state, in a proper position, I couldn't.

I wanted to talk to you so badly that I decided to just say it all out, hoping that you are there beside me, listening to everything that I wanted to say to you. Nevermind if I could not see you. I just wanted to talk to you. I could not contain the sadness in me. I had to speak to you and so I did.

I spoke to you about everything. It wasn't hard to as everything was ready to burst out from within me. I told you how sometimes I wish that everything is just a dream, that you are still here with me, with Mak, Abah and your kids. I told you how sad I was to be told by Mak & Abah yesterday that we will have to vacate your house by this weekend and that they were over at your place, packing your stuff and whatever they could. I told you how I wish it was possible for me & you to be back in the house, to watch whatever that's shown on the Indonesian channels in the middle of the night together, and then retreat to sleep in the same room. I cried so much. I cried so much that it wore me out such that I cried myself to sleep.

In my sleep, I had a dream that I was in our old house but I was in the living room, sharing some good laughs with Shafiq. After that (still in the dream), I decided to go into Adam's old room. I was walking past the room that we used to share and then I see you coming out of the room, just about to shut the door behind you. Even in the dream, I was surprised to see you. I said: "La!" You turned and you smiled as soon as you saw me. It was such a sweet smile. :)

In the dream, you weren't skinny; you were just right. Just like how you were previously before you got ill. And you had shoulder-length hair. Just like it was before you got ill. You had it tied and your ponytail was on your right shoulder as you turned to face me. You were wearing a baju kurung.

I asked you to come along into Adam's old room with me and you did. Instead of Adam's bed, there was our old bed, the one with the big spring mattress that we used to love to jump on all the time, in the middle of the room. We both lied down and I said to you: "Adik tau La nak bantal merah ni kan? Adik taknak bagi..." (In English: "I know you want this red pillow. I don't want to give it to you...") In jest, I then proceeded to hug that red pillow and throw you a green pillow instead. But a split second later, I gave you the red pillow and you took it, smiling, and you hugged it so tight. We went on to have a mini pillow fight - more of jostling the pillows at each other - and I had fun. You were smiling broadly throughout but you never uttered a word. Somehow after that, it hit me. In the dream, I asked myself: "Is this real?" Immediately after that, I woke up.

I lost you. I couldn't get back in to the dream. I couldn't play with you again.

La, was it you? Did you come into my dream because I keep wanting to see you again? Did you let me see you because I was too saddened yesterday because I didn't get to visit you as planned and I didn't want to give your house up?

I really hope it was you. Perhaps you felt so sorry for me so you visited me by appearing in my dream.

Oh, I really wish it was you, La.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful to You, dear Allah, for letting me see my sister (or an image of her) in my dream. It did help to ease the longing albeit just mildly. But I'm thankful, nevertheless.

Thank You, God. Thank you, Zilla.

A day of utter disappointment

Backlog
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 10:38pm

La, earlier today, I wanted very much to visit you at your resting place. I had searched online how to get there by public transport. The (unreliable) website stated that I can take a certain bus from Boon Lay Interchange & the bus stop is located not very far from where you are.

I was really looking forward to visit you since I can easily commute to Boon Lay Interchange from school. When I was making my way to the bus queue, somehow I had the strong urge to check the bus directory board to count the number of bus stops that I would have to pass in order to get to you. And then, I saw it: a short disclaimer at the bottom that says that the bus operates only on special occasions like Hari Raya & so on. I re-read it over & over again, sometimes slowly, to fully understand the meaning of it in case I got it wrong. But no, it said what it said. Which wasn't said on the website. La, my heart just sank when it struck me that I couldn't visit you when I really wanted to.

La, it was really hard to contain my disappointment. Could you feel my disappointment from wherever you are? Sorry, La. I don't know how this afterlife thing works but it's just a thought.

Anyway, it distracted me the whole time I was out, even in the company of friends. I thought of returning to your place yet again today, especially since I was somewhere that's about 20mins' walk from your house, but I reminded myself that I had already planned to sleep over tomorrow, so today, it was unnecessary to. So I went back home, only to be informed of something that could only make me even sadder.

I'll continue later or tomorrow, ok La? I've cried quite a bit and I'm tired. Sampai dah tertidur-tidur type entry ni. :) Surely, if you're near me now, you'd have seen me falling asleep as I type. I can imagine you looking at me & smile in amusement at the sight of your sister half-awake, half-asleep, intent on telling you her sad story for the day & her fingers kept busy typing away, occasionally wiping away her tears & her runny snort. :D

Ok lah, La. Nanti Adik ceritakan La lagi k? Adik tidur dulu tau.

He cried... and they did too, silently

Backlog
Dated: 29 Aug 2007
Time: 4:49am

La, I went to your house just now. I was missing the house and I was missing you so much that I just had to go there.

While I was there, everything that I saw and touched reminded me of you and those times we spent in the house together. Our night sharing sessions, the ridiculous things that we did, talked and laughed about in the wee hours of the night.

While I was in your room, I was reminded of those times when I took so many photos of you, as you laid on that Strawberry Shortcake linen-covered bed of yours. You were so high on endorphins that after Mak called you on your mobile (I even took photos of you while you were answering her call), you pretended that the Strawberry Shortcake on your bed linen could talk and you put your mobile by its mouth, and you mimicked its voice. :D

Recalling such memories make me happy but they also served to remind me that I do not have the opportunity to create new memories of you and with you.

I didn't want to dwell on that too much while I was there. I switched on the hi-fi and played a CD of prayers to fill the house with good vibes. I made sure that Yaasin was recited a few times before I had to leave the house. I also stood in front of your cupboard and looked through your clothes. It was just a random thing I did to remind myself of you. Seeing, touching and feeling your clothes helped.

When I got home, everyone was asleep except Adam. I told him about my visit to your house & then he started talking to me, opening up to me.

He recalled the events that took place the day before you were fated to go, from the things that he did in the afternoon after work, how he felt that whole day, the SMS that Mak sent him that night, the thoughts that ran in his head while he was making his way home, how he could not bear to look at you & be so near you moments before you go because he would cry a river, to how his tears just flowed so uncontrollably when he was going to kiss you moments after you were gone.

We also shared some tears as we recalled the things you & I used to subject him to when he was small. Remember how we dressed him up as a girl to force him to play along with us although he was hesitant to? Remember our Cinderguitar? Of course, when we were so young, we didn't know that 'cinder' meant ashes and burnt whatever, and that we should have named him Guitarella instead. You know what he said, La? If you were here in my room, sitting with us & listening to our conversation, you would have heard him say that if he knew you would go so soon, he would have allowed us to doll him up & turn him into Cinderguitar everyday, even in our twenties, if it makes us happy. I laughed at the absurdity of the thought but I tear-ed as well at the suggestion of his words.

Such was the revelation and the things that I learnt about him yesterday. It was a rare moment as he confided in me his feelings and his thoughts. He said that he really missed you, La. He said that one night, as he was missing you, it occurred to him that if he was missing you that much such that he couldn't contain his tears, he asked himself how much worse I must be feeling because I was closer to you and that you were my companion as we were growing up.

His sensibility moved me. I was stunned by his words and his caring thoughts. I was rendered silent for a moment as I contemplated the statement.

I didn't say anything to that. It was hypothetical. It needed no confirmation or denial. What I know is that we all miss you, and there's no way to quantify or to define the magnitude of the loss that we are feeling. Although I could reciprocate by posing him the next hypothetical question - how much worse does he think Mak & Abah are feeling - but I didn't.

La, I'm sure you get a lot of prayers from Mak & Abah. I see them immersing themselves in prayers. I suppose it's their way of dealing with the sadness; by channelling it into something good. Especially Abah. He prays & recites the Surahs all the time. It is rare not to see him kneeling on his prayer mat, submitting himself to God, confiding his feelings in Him or with his palms upturned, praying to Him for His mercy, His help and comfort. Mak, whenever she's not praying, she'll busy herself with housework or the kids. You'll never see her idling.

Such are our parents, La. And such is our kid brother who has grown up and matured. :)

La, if you may, do visit them often, k? Or if you're still around, as people say, I'm sure you're praying along with them for His blessings and comfort. I'm sure. Because you have always been sensible like that.

Backlog

La, it's been slightly more than two weeks... It's still not easy for me. I pray to Allah may He gives me the strength to get through the days to come.

La, for several days, I have been typing out a few entries but I never posted them. I just kept them as drafts.

Sometimes it's because I cried too much as I was typing them out and then, at some point, I was lost for words, literally. So I stopped and saved them as drafts, intending to continue some other days.

Sometimes, I cried and typed too much and I ended up falling asleep without completing the entry, with one hand tucked under the pillow and the other still on the keyboard, face stricken with dried tears, eyelids swollen and heavy.

Do not think that I have forgotten you, La. How could I possibly forget you? Is that even possible? I don't wish to and I will never do.

Sometimes, it feels like you're somewhere near me but most of the time, I can feel the emptiness that was once filled by your presence.

La, sometimes I wonder what you're doing and how you're feeling. I wonder if you miss us as much as we miss you. I wonder if you can see us, hear us, feel us. I wonder if you'll appear whenever we mention your name or think of you. I wonder how our prayers reach you. I wonder if you can still feel our love for you.

I've so much work to do, so many things to think about and yet you still occupy most of my thoughts. No matter what and when, you're there, at the top of my mind.

I've got to do some work for my project now, La. I'll talk to you again very soon and I'll post the backlog of entries.

I'm still missing you...

I'll be missing you for the rest of my life...

This is so hard...

La, we had tahlil for you today. It was a small group of our closest relatives and a couple of Abah's good friends, coming together to recite prayers for you. Just for you. For it was the third day of your demise.

Throughout the prayer recitation, I tried very hard to hold back my tears. It felt like it was just yesterday when I sat by your side, reciting the Yaasin on that fateful night. I kept glancing at you, quietly hoping that it wasn't really true and that you were just unconscious yet still alive.

La, I am selfish, aren't I? I kept hoping that God would keep you alive and insya'Allah, with His mercy, you would be cured in no time. I did not want Him to take you away although that would end your sufferings for all eternity.

I wanted you to be alive so that I get to see you everyday, talk to you, joke with you and grow old with you. We could have a big family and when we have grandchildren, can you just imagine the clamor of voices in the house on Hari Raya when we all get together?

Dear Allah, forgive me for having such thoughts. I don't question Your doing and I am not questioning our destiny, for I know that You know best. You know what's good for us and You will grant us that. This was the best for her and this is her destiny. This is my fate and this is a challenge for me.

I know I'll have to work my way through the challenges that you have for me because they are tests from You. It's just that this is the toughest one so far and sometimes I tend to defer to the easiest way out - by thinking of the "what ifs" and allowing myself to think of the unthinkable. Please forgive me, dear God. I pray that may I be jolted to my senses each time my mind strays to such thoughts.

Zilla, you must be happier where you are. I know you are happy to be finally relieved of all the pain that you had been enduring. Honestly, I am truly relieved too but it is hard to be glad about it. Nobody would be glad to see a loved one go, no matter what the circumstances are.

Parting is never easy for anybody. If I am feeling so sad, what about Mak & Abah? I'm sure they feel worse. I have never seen them as distraught before, especially Abah. His voice quivered as he tried his very best to hold back his tears, unsuccessfully, as he recited the azan repeatedly in your ears during your last few minutes with us. Leading you the shahadah was an even tougher and more heart-wrenching thing to do, not just for him, but for Nenek, Mak and me too.

Even so, La, we know we should let you go willingly. In those moments of separation - when you passed on, when it was the last time we could see your face before the white shroud covers your face, when you were lowered down into your new 'resting place', as well as when we had to leave the place - I swear I was willing to because I didn't want you to feel reluctant to go. I would only be causing you pain and I didn't want that. Also, I had to be strong during those times for Mak. If I faltered, she would falter too. She was already barely hanging on.

La, I know you want me to take care of them. I will. I won't let you down. I won't forget to say my prayers for you too. It's the only thing I can do for you now. It's the only gift I can give you. It's the only gift that matters. For now 'til the end of my life.

Saturday, 25 August 2007, 12:15am

The date and time are engraved in my mind forever.

How can I ever the forget that moment, the moment you stopped breathing. It was surreal. Everything is surreal now. You are still around, aren't you?

La, during those moments of your last breaths, everyone prayed so hard for you. I did too. I kept praying to Allah to ease your journey to the Hereafter. I said to Him I will redha and willingly let you go if it was really time for you to go. Yet, at the same time, in my heart, I was also hoping that somehow it was a false alarm; that you'll pull through & I will be able to see you smile again. However, my little heart knew that it was just wishful thinking.

The whole day that led to that fateful night, I didn't feel at ease inside. However, I couldn't put my finger on it & I kept laughing & making jokes with my friends to mask that uneasy feeling I had inside. I did so in school, at lunch, at my project meeting and following that too. While I sat down beside Singapore River after my meeting ended, I felt rather melancholic even though I was watching some tourists having mere-seconds thrill on the Gmax.

Why didn't I return home straight after that? Why didn't anybody, or anything, tell me that you would be leaving us in matter of hours? Why didn't you call or sms me to get home early like you did previously?

When Mak called me at about 8+pm, she asked when I would be back because you were sick & I told her I wouldn't be back late because yes, of course, I do know you were sick. She didn't tell me that you seemed different and that she was worried that you might go anytime. And I didn't sense any difference in her voice & it didn't occur to me that you were more ill than usual.

Why didn't I get the instinct? Why did I decide to elude those feelings of uncertainty by distracting myself instead? How could I call myself your sister when I don't even know that you were at home, asking Mak for the time every now & then, counting down to your last minute?

Have I disappointed you, La, during your last hours?

No matter how much tears I cry, I can never get back those hours.

Even so, I am thankful to Allah that He led me home in time. I am relieved that I managed to be with you for that couple of hours. I am thankful that I did get to be by your side, to stroke your hands while you still had pulse, to see you with your eyes still opened, to watch you take your last breaths, to sweep those stray hair off of your forehead with my fingers, to touch and kiss your forehead before it turns cold, to hear you say the shahadah albeit faintly, to witness the last look you gave Abah, the last tear that you shed and the hint of a smile you gave seconds before you go.

Allah is The Most Merciful and Allah is The Most Loving. Alhamdulillah, He made sure you felt the least pain possible, for you passed on very peacefully, La. What more, all of our family members and most of our relatives from both sides of the family were by your side as you took your last breath. And you even left with a smile, masya'Allah.

Even though Abah & Mak, Adam & me, the kids and everyone else were so sad that we had to part with you, I am relieved that you would no longer have to endure all the worldly pain & sufferings. You are safely by His side, in His arms and under His protection now. No more evil people, body-destroying cancer and unbearably painful pressure wounds to deal with.

On Saturday, 25 August 2007, at 12.15am, you passed on to a better place. On Saturday, 12 Sha'aban 1428 Hijriah, you were freed from all the worries of this life.